Modern Updates Can Kill, or the Nancy Drew Files

Anyone remember this series?  It came out around the same era as BSC/SVH, the late 80s/early 90s.  Basically they were an attempt to make Nancy Drew hip and modern, which means they’re like SVH with mysteries.  Amazingly, I found a bunch while moving, the only ones of my old books to survive (the ‘rents got rid of the rest when I was away at college).  A little ironic, since they were never as dear to me as SVH/BSC, but they’re certainly snarkable.  How can I turn down an opportunity like that?

repeat offenders

Guys, I am so sorry I have been absent so long.  Real life got really busy and I just had a hard time finding inspiration.  I swear I will be back for a proper recap very soon!

I was watching the new Melrose Place tonight (I know, I know) when this idea came to me.  I realized why some of the actors on MIOBI were so familiar–I’d seen them in other bad movies/TV shows!  So I did a little imdb-fu and uncovered some awesomely recappable gems from their dark, dark pasts:

Make It or Break It 1×10 “All That Glitters”

Wow, guys.  So this is it–my final recap.  I can’t help but feel a certain tug of sadness as I write these words.  It’s been quite a journey, hasn’t it?  When I first set out on this epic adventure… well, I hadn’t thought it would be very epic as I had doubts this show would make it past a few episodes.  And if the writing is any indication, so did the showrunners.  Yet, the little show that could stuck it out, and so did I.  Now, ten episodes later, our journey (or at least, the recapping part of it) comes to an end.

Previously, on Make It or Break It: Carter spills to Kaylie about his indiscretion with Lauren, which leads her to fly off the deep end and run away. She’s ready to blow off Nationals until her teammates come get her in yet another contrived bonding scenario. Meanwhile, the Rock Moms drink wine and bond. Oh, and Summer tracks down Lauren’s Mom, but when Lauren makes plans to meet with her, her Mom stands her up.

“My bag is whore” or Make It or Break It 1×09: “Where’s Kaylie?”

Previously, on Make It or Break It: Payson’s back injury flares up again, but lucky for her, a handsome Rock gymnast comes along and deals her some bootlegged cortisone.  Chloe calls an old boyfriend for help regarding her financial troubles.  Damon peaces out to L.A., taking one of the few bright spots of this show with him.  Lauren makes one final bid to break up Kaylie and Carter by arranging for Pa Cruz to “accidentally” find out about them at the Cruzes’ Nationals sendoff party.  Lauren’s plan goes off without a hitch, but instead of riding off into the sunset with Carter, he declares that she disgusts him and storms off.  Kaylie figures out that Lauren betrayed her and Carter.  With no one else to turn to, Lauren turns to Summer.

Before we begin, an announcement:  next week’s episode, the season finale, will be my last MIOBI recap.  I know… but hey, all good (or so bad they’re good) things must come to an end. I’m running out of ways to make fun of this show, and it’s been eating my blog.  I want to get back to the Unicorner’s roots, snarking nostalgic YA lit.  I haven’t even gotten to the series that spawned this blog’s title yet!  So next week, we bid adieu to playground prodigies, four inches of wood, and whore mothers, but never fear–I’m sure the writers will give them a good sendoff.  As for me, I hope you guys had fun reading these!  And hey, it might not be the end–I may be back to recap the occasional epic episode.

In the meantime, however, we’re left with an episode that’s, well… a whole lot of nothing.  Neither painfully awful nor awesomely epic, “Where’s Kaylie?” just sort of plods along to its expected cheesetastic conclusion.  I’m calling off the drinking game because we’d all get wasted before we’re even ten minutes in.  This is classic MIOBI–contrived situations, ridiculous plot twists, stilted dialogue, moments of such WTFery you truly wonder how anyone could write, let alone act, them with a straight face.  We’ve seen everything on this episode before, which means I’ve mocked it before, which means it’s going to be hard for me to come up with new ways to make fun of it.

But I’ll try.

Make It or Break It 1×08 “All’s Fair in Love, War, and Gymnastics”: A Screencap Recap

Sorry for the delay, guys. Lots of stuff going on offline in the past week, plus I was distracted by actual Nationals. Woo hoo! OK so anyway, I bring you “All’s Fair in Love, War, and Gymnastics:” A Screencap Recap!

Previously, on Make it or Break It: Sasha kicks Emily out of the gym after her stunt at the Invitational.  Fans of good technique and good acting cheer, but sadly, it doesn’t last.  Much creepy Daddy issue sexual tension later, Emily’s back on the team.  Meanwhile, Lauren ups the creepy quotient in her Carter stalking and I’m starting to wonder which one is more pyscho here.  Oh, and we get more Emily/Damon flirting to the extent that even non-shippers wish they’d just shut up and bang already.  Maybe Emily will grow some boobs then.

Because this is too lulzy not to post

I was google-searching and stumbled upon this

I… don’t even know how to caption this.  It’s like one Make It Or Break It novelization away from a trifecta of total cerebral meltdown.

Speaking of which, word has it that Shawn Johnson is negotiating a three-book deal.  Yes, kids, young adult literature is truly in a golden age. 

I can hardly wait.

“That was way harsh, Sasha” or Make It or Break It 1×07, “Run Emily Run”

OK so you know how I said nothing would top the epicness of last week’s ep? Well… I’m still right thus far. But this episode was pretty damned awesome. Let’s get started, shall we?

Previously on Make It or Break It: The Rock meets Denver in an epic clash of the sparkly Titans: the Rock Invitational.  When a recurring back injury flares up, Payson gets a cortisone shot and prevails over bitchalicious national champ Kelly Parker.  Meanwhile, Lauren throws the meet to spite her father, who has proposed to Summer out of guilt.  Emily tries to play hero again and fails utterly, but does supply us with one of the most hilarious faceplants in TV history.  Kim Kelly, look out.  Bitch is after your title.  Sasha boots Emily’s ass out of Nationals for going against his instructions.  Oh yeah, and Courtney Kupets guest-stars as Payson and Kelly’s stunt double.  Also, she shows more acting chops than most of the cast during her brief cameo.

Make It or Break It 1×06: “Between a Rock and a Hard Place,” as performed by the cast of Star Trek:Enterprise

Guys, this is the most epic episode yet.  Seriously, if you only watch one ep of this show, make it this one.  So in commemoration of this epic episode, I think it deserves an epic recap.  Props to ihatewheat of the Dairi Burger for inspiring this one with her True Blood/SVH recaps. 

Don’t worry if you’re unfamiliar with Enterprise; unless you’ve been living under a rock for your entire life, I’m sure you have a vague idea of how Star Trek series work.

Previously, on Make It or Break It: Drama surrounds the big mother-daughter fashion show at the Rock.  Creepy Carter continues to string Kaylie along while Lauren propositions him to be fuck buddies.  Kaylie thinks about giving it up to Creepy Carter; awkward dialogue ensues.  Damon ups his game on Emily; it seems to be working.  Summer tearfully confesses to Lauren that she used to be the school bicycle before she found God.  Sasha and Payson’s Mom establish a rapport; Payson learns to embrace her femininity.  Oh yeah, and there’s a fashion show.

“You Wanna Be On Top, Stacey?” or BSC TV series #3, “Stacey’s Big Break”

I am not apologizing for any (unintentional, at least initially) double entendres in this post title.

Finally, I get to my favorite BSC video!  You all know Stacey’s my fave BSCer, and modeling was another one of my teenage obsessions (along with gymnastics).  This is probably why I love Nastia so much.  She’s like a collision of two teenage obsessions.  I was actually about to make a post about model-centered books/TV episodes (and now I’m dying to get my hands on some of my nostalgic faves) but I hadn’t gotten around to it yet.  This episode is definitely among those.  This recap’s taken longer than I’d expected–a lot of distractions this week–so hopefully it lives up to the hype.  Enjoy!

Previously, on the Babysitters’ Club: The BSCers are convinced that the Slade house is haunted and that Mrs. Slade is an evil kitten-sacrificing, Satan-worshipping witch.  When Claudia comes to the old lady’s defense, they’re convinced she’s under the thrall of Wicked Witch Slade.  The BSC make asses of themselves trying to rescue Claudia, and we find out Mrs. Slade’s actually a retired vet who’s tutoring Claudia in science.  The BSC make a new friend, who is never seen or heard from again.

“Let’s really awkwardly talk about sex, baby” or Make It or Break It 1×04, “Like Mother, Like Daughter, Like Supermodel”

Previously, on Make It or Break It: Creepy Carter makes up with Kaylie after totally boning Lauren, but Lauren, interested in preserving her friendship with sweet Kaylie, doesn’t want her to find out.  The girls experience a bonding moment whilst cleaning mats at the Rock. Sasha propositions Payson’s Mom… to be the new gym manager, you perverts.  Meanwhile, Chloe Kmetko subs for Emily at the Pizza Shack and tells Damon that Emily’s Never Been Kissed.  I am mad that this show keeps reminding me of things I’d rather be watching. \~/

So what’s in store for us this week?  Fun, fashion, and awkward sex talk aplenty!