Geek Charming is listed as a comedy, but one of the funniest bits is actually its imdb summary:

Dylan Shoenfield is the pink princess of the upscale Los Angeles Woodlands Academy. She has the coolest boyfriend, the most popular friends, and a brand-new it bag that everyone covets. But when she accidentally tosses her Serge Sanchez bag into a fountain, this princess comes face-to-face with her own personal frog, self-professed film geek Josh Rosen. In return for rescuing Dylan’s bag, Josh convinces Dylan to let him film her for his documentary on high school popularity. Reluctantly, Dylan lets F-list Josh into her A-list world, and is shocked to realize that sometimes nerds can be pretty cool.

Really, how can I top that? Pure gold right there.

So I’ve seen this movie described as a retread of Can’t Buy Me Love (I guess one retread wasn’t enough) which makes sense given the similarities between their plots. But that film is hardly the only source this flick rips off pays homage to. Throw in some Mean Girls and Glee (minus the singing and dancing, which is really the only reason I can find to watch Glee. Well, and Jane Lynch. Jane Lynch is osm). Add a sprinkle of Dawson’s Creek, and we’re in business!

It becomes clear right away that Geek Charming seeks to be one of those intentionally over-the-top teen comedies that parody not only the genre but also the subject matter. Mean Girls did this brilliantly by infusing its stereotypes with wit and irony, creating characters that are hilarious as well as accessible to a teenage audience. Sure, we laugh at Regina’s all-carb diet and Gretchen’s hair being full of secrets, but in the back of our minds, we’re thinking, “Hey, I actually know girls like that!” This is also true of the film’s secondary characters, including art geek Janis and “almost too gay to function” Damien. Even the protagonist, Cady, is an exaggeration, a naïve and innocent “regulation hottie” who spent her formative years in Africa and knows nothing of “girl world.” Much of the humor in the movie comes from seeing the high school jungle through fish-out-of-water Cady’s eyes, putting it into hilarious perspective.

Conversely, 1995′s Clueless operates from the point of view of queen bee Cher, rather than new girl Tai (although much humor is derived from Tai’s ignorance of the ways of her new Beverly Hills surroundings). This is also an effective device for humor and irony, as seen in the contrast between Cher’s perceptions and the images on the screen. The banality with which she presents such absurd situations as a computerized outfit-picking system and a chat with her BFF on their cell phones while walking down the same hallway (hey, it was the 90s; cell phones were those newfangled contraptions that only the very rich and drug dealers used) drives a lot of the film’s humor as well as providing subtle and witty social commentary.

Geek Charming, however, eschews such devices in favor of a Glee-esque M.O. in which it wildly exaggerates high school stereotypes, then proceeds to play them completely straight while patting itself on the back for its clever parody, except that it’s neither clever nor parody. Less than five minutes into the film, we get a sense of just what we’re in for. Our heroine, Dylan, pitches a screaming fit (literally) in a scene of such slapstick inanity that our suspension of disbelief gets pretty much obliterated about two perfume spritzes in. Basically, the perfume gets in the eyes of the geek, Josh, who proceeds to spill pasta all over Dylan’s designer outfit. We are treated to this lovely sequence not once, but twice–from the perspective of each character. I know I really wanted to see it twice. Dylan goes into hysterics, throwing pasta onto her two friends and blaming Josh for it, before she finally screams, “I can’t believe popular people like me are forced to the same air as nerd herders like you!” All the while, she seems on the verge of tears with her face screwed up in a grimace that makes me wonder if she was about to bust an artery.

"I can't believe I had to film this freaking scene twice!"

See, this is exactly what I’m talking about. Is it really necessary to waste our time with this extreme, over-the-top, overly long scene to convey the same sentiment that Cher Horowitz so effortlessly accomplishes with a wrinkle of the nose and terse, yet eloquent utterence: “As if!”

Yeah, what-ever, movie.

This movie also employs the time-honored device of the unreliable narrator. In Clueless and Mean Girls, this is accomplished through voiceovers by the films’ protagonists. Geek Charming takes more of a reality show approach by interspersing the action with brief segments where the characters speak directly into the camera, giving their commentary on these events. This makes sense given this flick’s whole movie-within-a-movie shtick, so I’m giving it a pass, although it doesn’t make as much sense for Dylan to do it as well as Josh. Like Josh is such a Dawson Leery-esque film geek it’s believable that he films his entire life. Although I guess Dylan is certainly narcissistic enough to film her entire life, and her narcissism does provide her main motivation for letting Josh film her.

Finally, in case Geek Charming’s attempts to emulate the style and content of the classics weren’t enough, let’s have some blatantly obvious visuals:

Clearly, bitchy teen girls only come in threes.

I know, right?

Unfortunately, we are forced to suffer through Geek Charming’s assumption that slapstick + inane + over-the-top = fun-nee for several more agonizing but sadly pivotal to the plot scenes. The first takes place in the mall, where Dylan drops her super-expensive “It” bag (which looks like it cost about $25 at Forever 21… hey, it takes a lot of money to look this cheap!) into the fountain and Josh (who just so happens to be around at the time), jumps into the fountain to get it. The sequence drags on and on and on and is just as tedious to watch as it is to recap. When Josh finally manages to recover the bag, he seizes the opportunity to make Dylan on offer she can’t refuse—he’ll film her as the subject of his documentary for an upcoming film festival. Dylan is an easy sell—who wouldn’t want to watch her acting like a brat all day long? I know I’m loving it so far. Dylan also feels the film will cinch her victory as Blossom Queen.

"I better be getting one hefty ass paycheck for this"

Later on, we see a more vulnerable side to Dylan when she comes home to an empty mansion, does homework in sweats and glasses, and gazes at a picture taken by her late mother of her and her then-BFF, Amy, at a spelling bee. Talk about a dark past. Since then, of course, Dylan and Amy drifted apart and Amy is now a hipster rocker girl and Josh’s crush. We then see Dylan crying over a frilly, pepto-bismol-colored 80s prom dress that we eventually find out belonged to her mother when she won Blossom Queen.

Man, some blackmail material right here

This brief and touching scene (clichéd and rather cheap in its attempts to tug at the heartstrings, but touching nonetheless) provides but a brief respite before Dylan moves back into insufferable-twat mode again. Josh films her shopping in the mall and saying stupid inane things. Winning Blossom Queen is her ultimate motivation not only for the moment, but for her entire life. She actually says, in all seriousness, that if she doesn’t win her life is officially “O-V-E-R over.” She has no other plans for her future beyond that. Josh is in disbelief, and so am I, frankly. She also discusses how her two lackeys vie with each other to be her bestest BFF because they know their popularity comes from her. This recalls a surprisingly pithy speech by Cordelia Chase in the Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode “Out of Mind, Out of Sight”:

Cordelia: Hey! You think I’m never lonely because I’m so cute and popular? I can be surrounded by people and be completely alone. It’s not like any of them really know me. I don’t even know if they like me half the time. People just want to be in a popular zone. Sometimes when I talk, everyone’s so busy agreeing with me, they don’t hear a word I say.
Buffy: Well, if you feel so alone, then why do you work so hard at being popular?
Cordelia: Well, it beats being alone all by yourself.

Cordelia is, essentially, the character Dylan seeks to be but fails to on pretty much every level, at least in the first half of the film. See, even when Cordy is at her most vapid, we still see glimpses of vulnerability and self-awareness that make her feel like a real person and hint at ways her character could expand and grow.  This sort of layering is shown with great effectiveness in the above exchange, among others. So when Cordy’s character eventually does evolve–she becomes, arguably, one of the most heroic and sacrificial figures in the Buffy spinoff Angel–the groundwork has already been laid, and it’s really not that far of a stretch.

But since we’re talking about Geek Charming here, what you see is what you get. I’ma quote Cordelia again and say, “What do you get when you scratch the surface? More surface.” And no scene demonstrates just how much surface this movie has than the beach volleyball scene.

Josh and his two geek friends tag along with Dylan and her lackeys to watch Dylan’s bf, Asher, play volleyball. Dylan acts shallow and vain and ridiculous, her friends act shallow and vain and ridiculous, Josh’s buddies act geeky and stupid and ridiculous. I find myself longing for Dawson Leery’s rambling sanctimony about his trials as an artiste or the Nerd Trio on Buffy quibbling over Boba Fett action figures.  Afterward, Dylan’s sports car gets towed and she is thrown into a crisis over her inability, for once, to talk her way out of something. This incident recalls another vehicularly-inspired crisis on Clueless, in which Cher fails her driving test and can’t talk her way out of that, either. This scene in Clueless kick-starts a series of events that lead to Cher’s epiphany and ultimately, character growth. No such luck for Dylan. She’s as bratty as ever, even when Josh comes to her rescue. Josh gives her a ride in his hoopty, the hoopty breaks down, they have to walk to a gas station, then she twists her ankle in her platforms and makes Josh carry her (I really wish I were making this up, but not even I could come up with this shit). Josh gets as weary of this bullshit as I am and he and Dylan have an argument. He fires her from the movie and she tries to fire him. I can’t even keep track of all the firing up in here. The end result is, of course, that the movie project is kaput.

But since the movie isn’t at halfway point quite yet (oh God), I know we, as an audience, will not get that lucky. Dylan has misgivings over firing Josh/quitting/flouncing/whatever when her opponent for Blossom Queen gains a temporary baked goods-induced popularity boost. Hey, gotta give this chick credit. She knows the way to a teenager’s vote—free food.

Speaking of tasty things, can I have that Asian football player? Screw cupcakes; I’ll take some frosting with him.

Josh also regrets firing Dylan, since he is now out an entry in the film festival and it’s too late to start another project. He resigns himself to his fate of being yet another whiny hipster asshole like Dawson, until Dylan schemes to get back into his good graces. She dons her hipster garb (which essentially means shapeless denim overalls and a leather jacket—kickin’ it ’97 style) and shows up at a scifi movie where she just so happens to run into Josh and his film-geek friends.  After the movie, they all gather at an appropriately grungy and pretentious coffee house and I wonder if permanently residing in the late ‘90s is some hipster requirement or something, at least in this film. Did they all get into a TARDIS and travel to some less-funny less-vampiric version of Buffy? Mixing them nerdy references, go me! I could be part of Josh’s film-geek friends except I’d probably smack them all in the face within about five minutes. Anyway, Dylan proceeds to show of her sekrit smarts in a discussion of movie physics and Josh is impressed. Dylan admits she has to hide her braininess from her popular friends, because Lord knows popular people are never, ever smart or good students. Ever.

This scene actually signals a turning point, not only for the characters but also for the film itself. After this, it becomes downright watchable. No, I didn’t say good. I said watchable. Dylan acts like a normal human being and while Josh’s film-geek friends are fucking irritating, they thankfully take a backseat to the film’s two leads. And now that Dylan and Josh are finally over the whole Moonlighting-bickering phase we don’t have to sit through those painfully contrived scenes anymore. From here on out the chemistry between the two leads finally gets a chance to shine. I am not sure this makes up for the godawful crap we had to sit through before, but it sure makes the rest of my viewing and recapping experience easier.

We now get another teen-movie staple: the makeover! God, I love makeovers. The makeover episode in America’s Next Top Model is always my favorite. Someone’s always crying over chopping her hair, or complaining about a terrible weave. I can sympathize with that, though, because it is pretty apparent Top Model’s budget is not spent on weaves. Sadly there is no weave in this makeover scene, but that’s OK, because it’s still amazing. Dylan gets Josh to submit to a makeover, transforming his style from unwashed hipster to member of U-KISS.

Seriously, man, this new look is the ultimate in Disney uber-metro pretty boy aesthetic. And while I, personally, love me some metro pretty boys, generally speaking I don’t think most of the American public does. Let’s be real here. Maybe I’m just on the internet too much or I’m recalling my teenage years back in the ‘90s when grunge ruled and Jordan Catalano was the ultimate heartthrob, but I feel that girls would gravitate more toward the soulful-starving-artist look Josh sported before than the metro-tacular Asian-boyband-but-not-Asian look he’s sporting now. I know that look went over really well the last time someone tried it.

Oh.

But what the hell do I know? What’s important is the movie, and Josh’s new look certainly makes the girls tingle tingle.

Those girls include Amy. I can honestly say this baffles me, since one would think Amy would prefer Josh in his hipster days over Josh in his boy band days. Wouldn’t she see the new Josh as a totally mainstream sellout? I don’t know. Maybe she’s a closet K-pop fan. Whatever the reason, she’s all up in his business, and this makes Dylan jealous.

The film continues on its predictable and campy trajectory. Josh keeps filming his documentary, and he and Dylan get closer. But like all teen rom-com characters, they remain purposefully oblivious to the fact that they want to jump each other and keep doggedly forcing themselves back into the two-dimensional roles where they started. This is naturally impossible, as Josh’s social stock begins to rise and Dylan’s begins to plummet. Her jerko bf breaks up with her, her friends ditch her, and her social status hits rock-bottom when the unthinkable happens—she runs out of contact lenses and has to go to school in her glasses! I’m telling you guys, I might’ve shed a tear or two there. Although it might have been my contacts bothering me.

Josh, meanwhile, starts dating Amy, who gives him a chance despite the fact that he’s obviously in love with Dylan. Eventually, however, Amy demonstrates her status as the most perceptive and self-aware character in this circus when she breaks things off with Josh, informing him that she knows he’d rather be dating Dylan instead. Josh, of course, denies it, but Amy knows better.

Finally we get to the movie’s climax, which takes place at the film festival. The first half of the movie shows Dylan as the vapid and obnoxious little twirp we knew through the first painful half of this movie. Thanks, I needed the reminder. Dylan, of course, runs out of the theater in tears. Josh goes after her and she lights into him for ruining her life. Josh, demonstrating his cerebral prowess, neglects to tell her to get her scrawny ass back in the theater and watch the rest of the damn movie. That duty is left to Amy, who swings by Dylan’s house later on to check on her. She pep-talks Dylan, leaving her a copy of the movie to watch.

Like Mean Girls, the film’s denouement takes place at a formal school dance, because there’s nothing like drama and reconciliation when it’s done in formal clothing with cheesy teen pop playing in the background. I can’t help but wish the DJ’d played some U-KISS in honor of Josh. Dylan shows up in her mother’s dress. Vintage! So adorable. I can’t even say that’s the ugliest effing dress I’ve ever seen, because I lived through the 80s, and I’ve seen uglier. Sadly. Dylan’s just lucky that we’re experiencing an 80s fashion revival now, because I can guarantee that in any other situation, not even the queen bee could kick it ’85 style without getting funny looks from her subjects. High school formals, especially in a small town, are all about conformity. Girls all try to wear dresses in the exact same styles, but they can’t be too much alike, because nothing is more mortifying than showing up at prom wearing the same dress as someone else. It’s a delicate balance.

Thanks to Josh’s movie Dylan is now more popular than ever. She wins Blossom Queen, and gives a heartfelt speech in which she calls her former friends/hangers-on out on their shit and declares that popularity isn’t about people knowing who you are, but about real friends who stand by you despite being a loser with no date who wears glasses. I would say this is a distinction between shitty stupid one-dimensional movie characters and actual humans, but let’s not quibble.

So Dylan and Josh make up and hook up, Amy finds a nice film-geek love interest, and everything is tied up in a neat bow, as Disney movies always are.

So what’s left to say about this movie? Not much, I guess. The thing that bothers me most about it is just the lack of effort put into it. Now, I haven’t read the book, so other than the ending, I have no idea how faithful the movie is to it. I don’t want to get into a discussion about the book versus the movie since, obviously, I haven’t read the book and I can’t be arsed to do so right now.  But I also think a movie adaptation should stand up on its own right and that it’s completely fair to analyze it as such. From that perspective, I guess this movie was all right for what it was. It’s no better or worse than the kajillion other made-for-TV teen movies that have come out in recent years. But for me, that’s wherein the problem lies. It tried to be something more than a generic made-for-TV teen movie, and thus set itself up to be lambasted by recappers like me with nothing better to do than make fun of bad movies that take themselves too seriously. There isn’t much to say about movies that are intentionally funny.

If you’re like me and love campy Disney Channel shlock, you’ll probably love Geek Charming. Admittedly, it is a bit, well, charming, in its transparency. And on that note, this recap is officially O-V-E-R over.

In an attempt to ride off the success of The Vampire Diaries and make a franchise out of everything ever, the CW has now made The Secret Circle into a TV series. Because of my general masochism and inability to resist a good train wreck, I tuned in. The first few episodes were rather ho-hum, but the show has officially crossed over from entertaining trainwreck to straight-up crack in episode 4, so things are looking up.

I’m not going to give the episodes the full recap treatment, like I have for previous shows. There’s just too much ground to cover and while I love recapping, it can be extremely tedious and time-consuming. Have no fear, though–I am working on another recap for this site. Aren’t you excited? I’m also not going to spend a lot of time comparing the TV series to the books. That can also get tedious, and generally speaking, I prefer to analyze TV adaptations on their own merits. Oh, and it should go without saying–MASSIVE SPOILERS UP TO EPISODE 4.

TSC invites comparisons to the Vampire Diaries, since the books were written by the same author, and they’re both about paranormal teens involved in star-crossed love triangles. However, what jumped out at me more was the similarities between TSC and another supernatural teen series previously recapped here:

To me, it’s rather eerie how incredibly similar TSC is to PP both stylistically and in content. And I don’t just mean the posters. The credits are also extremely similar–both feature creepy songs hummed by a creepy-sounding child’s voice and both feature what I call the flapping birds effect:

Both series perpetually doe-eyed blonde heroines who are new in town (despite the fact that Cassie was a brunette in the books) and possess a great deal of supernatural power that they are, initially, unaware of. They also feature a sinister, older male villain played by the biggest name on the cast (Gale Harold and Grant Show, respectively) who’s always lurking around. Both also feature painfully bland love interests with Abercrombie-good looks but gasp! They’re both taken–SS’s dreamboat is with the head witch in charge and PP’s is with the head bitch in charge. The other similarities are many but can be chocked up to standard teen-show tropes: douchey guy, bitchy girl (who’s also kind of slutty), supporting girl with no real personality but damn, them bazooms:

So far, TSC isn’t quite living up to PP in its soapaliciousness. The teen love triangles are static and dull and the adult characters are even less interesting, minus Gale Harold (see, I don’t even remember his name. He’s just Gale Harold). I actually feel really bad for Gale, being shuffled from one mediocre CW show to the next. Both in the book and the show, Cassie’s character is as flat as week-old soda, and I was far more interested in the other characters. Particularly, our obligatory psychotic bitch, Faye. TSC!Faye isn’t deliciously evil enough (yet) to really be fun, but she definitely breathes the most life into this cast. She’s the only character who really seems to do anything or have any kind of goals or interests at all. I’m disappointed that the show cut Deborah, the biker girl from the book series, because she was a lot of fun, too. And the Cassie/Deborah subtext was the best. Seriously, those two had more heat than Cassie/Adam and Cassie/Nick combined.

So the first few eps were basically Diana being sanctimonious and boring, Faye stirring shit, Boobs and Nick being fuck buddies while Boobs develops Feelings, Cassie being wide-eyed and confused, and Cassie and Adam making goo-goo eyes at each other in an enchanted forest. No, really:

Which leads me to another observation: the Twilight-ization of TSC. Honestly, that shit’s become a YA STD. Everything is being Twilight-ized. In the books, I believe Cassie and Adam’s initial scene of Mystic Googly Eyed Connection took place on a beach. But I guess that’s not exciting or romantic enough. It has to be an enchanted forest. Adam, sadly, does not have the skin of a killer, but I guess sparkly dew drops will have to suffice. The setting was inexplicably changed from the books’ setting of New Salem, Massachusetts to Chance Harbor, Washington. This change completely baffles me. In the books, Salem’s history with witchcraft forms pretty much the entire backbone of the plot. Why are they moving it to some random town in Washington? The show isn’t even filmed there–it’s filmed in Vancouver. Does Vancouver really look that different from Massachusetts? Hell, freaking Smallville filmed in Vancouver–and that show was supposed to take place in Kansas! The only logical conclusion is that Twilight was set in Washington, so let’s set our show there, too!

Anyway, TSC really needs to step up its game if it doesn’t want to get canned. Ep 4 was a step in that direction. Some of this shit was absolutely priceless. So there’s this chick, Heather, who knew Cassie’s Mom and has been in a catatonic state for 16 years, ever since the fire that killed everyone in their circle. Cassie and Faye cast a spell in an attempt to wake her, but the spell fails–or so they think. It actually does wake her, and then she goes on this ape shit rampage. Move over, Evil Willow. It was awesome. Because the circle is lame and people can’t do individual magics anymore, both Cassie and Faye pretty much get their asses kicked by Heather. I must say I agree with Faye on how weak this only-do-magic-in-groups rule is. I don’t recall it in the books, and wtf is the point of a series about witches if you can’t have individual magic? It renders the characters pretty much defenseless (except the bad guys, of course… I guess they didn’t bind their circle?) unless they’re in groups and it’s boring as fuck. Where are my magic battles? I WANT MY MAGIC BATTLES!

But the absolute greatest moment was when Faye was running up the stairs and Heather flew. Like fucking Peter Pan shit up in hurr. It was glorious.

So Cassie comes to and runs up to her room, where she grabs Heather by the hair and drags her off Faye. Yessss, catfight action! Cassie throws Heather to the ground and this incapacitates her long enough for the two of them to run away. I would question why a witch powerful enough to fly is suddenly knocked out by hair pulling, but I think at this point it’s best to just go with it.

So Cassie and Faye run to the front door just as Boobs and Nick show up. Good thing Nick likes to leave the window open while hooking up (Nick lives next door and his window is opposite Cassie’s room). Heather has come to by now, and she grabs Cassie for more catfight action (again, if this bitch is powerful enough to fly, why doesn’t she like, throw Cassie against the wall with magic or some shit? Why am I still analyzing this?). Then Nick pulls Heather off Cassie and gives her this BITCH I’MA CUT U look and suddenly Heather is terrified. She runs out the front door just in time to get hit by a van, Regina George-style. She does a couple flips in the air before she lands on the pavement and it’s all very dramatic.

Deducting some major points for that landing.

And then some like X-Files worm thing crawls out of Heather’s arm and hitches a ride on Nick’s jacket. Later that evening, after Nick and Boobs finish hooking up, the worm crawls out of the jacket (I guess it had the sense to wait till they were asleep) and into Boobs’ ear. Grosssssss. I have to ask who these kids’ parents are and where they are. Aren’t Boobs’ parents wondering where she is? Don’t Nick’s parents ever check up on him? How are they able to spend nights together on a regular basis? Again, why am I still analyzing this?

Whatever. At least possessed!Boobs might be more interesting.

All in all though, you are good job, TSC. Keep that crack coming! Perhaps this little turtle might find its way to the sea after all. Stay tuned!

Meanwhile, I have a new blog in which I indulge my love of Korean pop music (K-pop). So if you’re into K-Pop too or just want to read me snarking it, I hope you’ll check out Lipstick Chicken.

Until next time!

Cassandra Clare has quite the colorful history in online Harry Potter fandom (where she went by the name Cassandra Claire… why she dropped the i, I suppose we’ll never know). If you’re so inclined, you can read about it here or if you don’t have five hours to spare, the cliff notes version here. Now, I’m not trying to allege that anything in the Mortal Instruments series is plagiarized–it isn’t, although it’s been claimed that she lifted passages from her own fanfic–but given CC’s fandom history, well… how about I just break this down and let you decide. They say a picture is worth a thousand words, so:

The Cast

Clary Fray – the story’s young protagonist:

Jace Wayland – the obligatory psychotic jackass love interest:

Valentine – the bad guy:

Some other people:

What, you mean you still want a proper synopsis? Sigh. FINE.

So the heroine, Clary, hits up an all-ages dance club in NYC with her buddy, Simon, where she witnesses a murder. Only it’s not really a murder, it’s a group of teenage demon-fighters killing a demon who’s glamoured himself to look like a normal teen. So Clary finds out she’s among a group of magical humans called the Shadowhunters, who keep themselves hidden from non-magical humans, whom they call “Mundanes.” The Shadowhunters use glamours to hide their places, so they appear to the Mundanes as abandoned buildings and such. Clary also finds out that NYC plays host to a thriving underground consisting of all sorts of magical beings and fairy creatures. In particular, there are demon/human hybrids called “downworlders.” A sect of the Shadowhunters known as the Circle seeks to rid the population of the downworlders. So the Shadowhunters are headed up by this totally evil guy named Valentine. Stop me if you’ve heard this before, K?

WELL TOO BAD. You wanted a synopsis, you got one. OK so most of the book is spent on nicking stuff from other series worldbuilding. Clary is introduced to the Institute, a hidden magical place where would-be Shadowhunters learn to shadow-hunt. There she meets a wise old mentor figure named Hodge who has a pet bird. Then the shit starts really hitting the fan. Her Mom goes missing, she consults a Trelawney-esque eccentric fortuneteller lady, and stuff happens involving flying motorcycles and a gay wizard. Which sounds pretty cool put that way, but so many other elements are so obviously borrowed, it kind of cancels it out. Besides, it’s not like TMI is the only series to ever feature a gay wizard. There’s also a Lupin knockoff in there who does… pretty much nothing but deliver a really long monologue Explaining Everything. And through it all is the teen angst–Simon’s in love with Clary who’s in love with Jace with whom she makes out and then finds out he’s her brother.

Oh, yeah.

Clary’s always wondered about her father whom she never knew, and naturally the story her mother told her was some twee fabrication and her father is really… dun dun dun… VALENTINE! Who also spawned a son who ended up with the Waylands! Who also happens to be… oh, fuck it, I can’t even pretend to be surprised.

So here’s the dealio. It’s not that CC is a terrible writer–her style is pretty no-frills but it gets the job done, and CoB is an entertaining enough read even if it totally lacks any originality. There’s a lot of stuff out there totally lacking in originality but is still a big hit. It just especially bothered me in CoB because the derivative elements are so transparent and so frequent that it’s actually distracting, and completely pulled me out of the story. I couldn’t invest in or care about any of these characters because all I could see were watered-down mishmashes of more memorable characters from earlier, better sagas. It’s that obvious. So if you’ve ever seen Buffy, HP, or Star Wars you’ll either love this book (because it’s just like crossover fanfiction with the names changed) or hate it (because it’s just like crossover fanfiction with the names changed). And if you’ve read/seen neither? Get off this blog and out from under that rock and do so. Trust me, the story was better the first three times around.

Still waters run shallow.

So the pilot episode opens with an underwater shot of the still surface of the ocean. The stillness is broken when our heroine plunges rather ungracefully into the water. Perhaps it’s a metaphor for the way she will soon disrupt the peaceful waters of Point Pleasant? Deep. Next comes a montage of aerial shots of the town, set to dramatic instrumental music. The title appears against a shot of an iconic lighthouse, then disappears in an impressive CGI display of crows flying off. This effect will come to characterize the show. Sadly it is probably the most impressive thing about it.

Judy attempts to find anything in this show thus far that isn’t a trope

The show kicks off when a sudden and violent storm disrupts a peaceful day at the beach for the denizens of Point Pleasant. Because nothing says menacing like attractive people cavorting on a beach. These scenes introduce us to the main characters—attractive teens who look 27 and their equally attractive parents. There’s Paula, the “Libby” of the show; Terry, the douchey “bad boy”; and Jesse, best summed up as an even less interesting version of Riley Finn. Terry and Jesse both have generically attractive Abercrombie looks that meant I kept getting them mixed up for the first three or so eps. They’re also both lifeguards, which adds a nice touch of Baywatch. These three teens are involved in the requisite love triangle (soon to become a love rhombus when our heroine arrives)—Paula’s with Jesse, Terry wants Paula, but Paula coldly blows Terry off. Next we meet Judy Kramer, a snarky, Joey Potter-esque brunette with Something Dark in her past. In contrast to the carefree teens at the beach, Judy is first seen at her job at a gas station.

Well, I know I want my life in this guy’s hands

The storm hits and the beachgoers all scatter like freshmen at a kegger when the RA arrives. All except Jesse, who spots our heroine floating in the sea and goes out to rescue her. Unable to get to a hospital, he brings her to the nearby Kramer house. Pa Kramer, a doctor, takes a quick look at the girl’s eyes and tells Jesse he’s got it covered. Well, he was really helpful. I think I’ve seen more efficient doctoring on livejournal RPGs.

The power has gone out in the storm so the Kramer house is lit by about a kajillion candles. This was probably done for atmosphere, but all I can think is, who keeps that many candles in their home? They rob a new age store or something? We get blackouts all the time where I live and we’re still scrambling for candles every time the power goes out. I had to use this vanilla-scented candle I got for a gift once and the entire condo smelled like cookies for a week. The Kramers’ flagrant disregard for candle preservation becomes more apparent when we see drowning girl asleep in a room lit by red candles (because red candles are totally more evil than the white ones in the rest of the house). This chick’s asleep—what does she need light for? Oh yeah, so the candles can ominously go out one by one as gusts of wind blow through the room.

CHRISTINA: “You know, if you look real hard you can see the shape of the antichrist in here!”
JUDY: “That’s your reflection, dumb ass.”

Meanwhile, Judy snoops in the knapsack the Kramers found on drowning girl while eerie music plays in the background. Judy uncovers a strange, antique-looking box, but the moment she opens it (subtlety is really this show’s specialty), drowning girl’s eyes fly open and the power comes back on.

We learn that drowning girl’s name is Christina, she fell overboard during a cruise for her high school, her father is overseas and her mother is out of the picture. At least, that is what she tells the Kramers (and Jesse’s Dad, who is a cop). Christina looks through the box, finding old photos and some kooky glass ball. Judy comes in and through their convo we find out that the stuff in the box belongs to Christina’s Mom, of whom she knows very little. We also find out that Judy’s sister Isabel died and Judy angsts about it, but hides it behind a tough exterior. And the tropes just keep on coming.

Witness Jesse’s default expression for most of the series

It only gets better when Jesse shows up, looking more bland and Abercrombie than ever. The music swells and he and Christina gaze dramatically upon each other and you can practically see huge neon letters flashing LOVE INTEREST ALERT LOVE INTEREST ALERT. Judy, of course, makes a joke about it, because that’s what the snarky tomboy-until-she-puts-on-a-dress-and-is-so-prettttyyyy does. Jesse says Christina looks good for a floater. Well, that’s a word that could apply to this scene.

Meanwhile, at what looks like a park or something, a sketchy old guy announces to Grant Show (his character’s name is Lucas Boyd, but Boyd has enough presence that I seeing Grant Show) that Christina has been found. Christina is… dun dun dun… THE CHILD OF DARKNESS! Old Dude, Kingston (great, now I’ll keep thinking of Gwen and Gavin’s son), raised Christina but Boyd believes it’s time for her to be released into the wild to destroy the world. For most kids that age, it’s called college. Except maybe without the whole “destroy the world” part.

Hey Terry, want to share the wealth?

In the midst of all this excitement, we check up on Terry and Paula. I’m sure you’re all just dying to know what happened them. Terry drives Paula home from the beach and hits on her more, accusing her of looking at him with “do me” eyes. He later shows up at her house with a case of beer. Stay classy, Terry. We find out that Paula’s Mom is the Julie Cooper knockoff of this series, and she’s currently with her latest boy toy. Terry tells Paula that she and her Mom go for the bad boys. Man, with lines like that, how is he not getting more tail than a veterinarian’s office? The scene ends with them hooking up in the pool, as it is one of the many required scenes of any self-respecting prime-time soap.

“Does this camera angle make me look stoned?”

Later, we are treated to a lovely dream sequence during which Jesse is seduced by Paula, only to have her morph into Christina mid-romp. Christina seductively asks Jesse to kill her. Wow, Jesse’s even boring in his dreams.

The Kramer ‘rents discuss the Christina sitch and decide to let her stay with them. Next morning, Dr. Kramer gives Christina a quick exam and notices an unusual birthmark in her eye. An extreme close-up informs us it is… dun dun dun… the sign of the devil! Unbeknownst to the Kramers, Christina calls Harlan, a family friend, on a pay phone and informs him of her whereabouts. However, she wants to stay with the Kramers and search for her estranged mother. All her life, she’s felt that something’s been “off” with her, like something’s missing. Honey, that’s being a teen. Everyone feels like a freak. You’re not unique. Christina thinks finding her mother would answer these questions. I think she’d benefit more from finding some acting classes, but that’s just my opinion.

“Come on, Jesse… tell us the truth. Whose rack reigns supreme?”

Since Christina’s arrival, subtle changes begin to occur in the Kramers’ normally sitcom-harmonious lives. For one, Judy begins wearing her hair down and being girlie and pretty (which means showing off the ya-yas in a bikini top worn under an open hoodie). Wow, that didn’t take long. Judy and Christina go to the pier where they run into Jessie. Jesse and Christina continue to gaze awkwardly at each other, to the extent that Judy makes another joke about it and splits. Can’t say I blame her. Unfortunately, we viewers do not have that luxury.

“You’re very sexy, Amber, but given my affinity for furniture, I fear my heart lies with Jesse.”

Dr. Kramer, meanwhile, starts putting the moves on Amber, Paula’s Mom and PP’s resident MILF. When she comes in for an exam, things get inappropriate fast, and he spills that his wife won’t sleep with him since Isabel’s death. Subtle. His pager goes off, ruining this wonderfully Melrose moment. He prattles on about how much he loves his wife and I can’t help thinking, “Dude, you totally fucked a couch on Nip/Tuck.” It is also worth mentioning that during this scene, we see that he has doodled the DEVIL SIGN onto his notepad.

And now we get our requisite party scene during which shit goes down, because shit must always go down at parties on teen soaps. It became such a cliché on the OC, in fact, that the show itself started totally lampshade-hanging in the later seasons. In this case, the party scene takes place at a bonfire on the beach. We get more of Terry douchily hitting on Paula while Christina and Jesse share some extremely stilted flirting. It is worthy of mention that Christina’s tank top-and-floral miniskirt outfit screams late 90s. Clearly Satan has not imbued his progeny with a hip and cutting-edge fashion sense. Paula saunters over to stake her claim on Jesse and get her bitch on, while a jealous Christina gets a mildly constipated look on her face and the fire briefly flares up. Christina then looks terrified and runs away. The scene fades out with the flames forming into the DEVIL SIGN. Man, this is awesome.

“See? My abs are better than yours!”

Fade in, and we’re still at the party. Jesse and Terry get in a fight over Paula that makes West Side Story look gritty and realistic. Man, and we don’t even get wonderfully memorable lines like “Welcome to the OC Point Pleasant, bitch!” I especially love how, when their friends pull them apart, Terry’s shirt rides up so we can see his washboard abs. Can’t fault this show for fanservice.

Later that night, Christina gazes on from the Kramers’ window while Jesse and Paula stop at the gas station. Paula and Jesse make out while Christina gazes on longingly, and soon we see gas flowing out of the car’s tank and across the asphalt. Seriously, it’s like a flood. Yet when the gas station attendant walks over, it’s back to being a little puddle. The gas flows quickly toward the garage where sparks emitted from a blowtorch ignite it. The flames race straight to Jesse’s jeep. Paula’s seat belt has conveniently become stuck and I’m cracking the hell up, which is probably not the reaction the director had in mind. But have no fear, Paula and Jesse make it out of the Jeep just before it explodes. Man, and we don’t even get any comical scenes of them flying through the air like on Smallville or Lost. You know your show’s hit rock bottom when it’s being compared unfavorably to Smallville.

Next day at Chez Kramer, Judy’s Mom dumps out her medication. There are a variety of ways this can end, and “well” is not one of them. Meanwhile, Christina heads over to the church, because it’s time to bring some Dan Brown into this heezy. The church is dark and kind of misty-looking, which was again probably done for atmospheric purposes, but I just find myself wondering why no one thinks to flip on a light. Again, we see another DEVIL SIGN that Christina notices etched onto a pew. OK, guys, we get it. Christina is the CHILD OF DARKNESS.

Symbolism? What symbolism?

Harlan appears suddenly, backlit dramatically against a stained-glass window. We learn that Christina’s Mom was the daughter of the church’s groundskeeper. Harlan utters some increasingly oblique statements (with a bonus Latin incantation thrown in, because you can’t have creepy demonic shit without Latin incantations) whilst looking increasingly constipated, before he grabs Christina and tries to choke her. But then a swarm of wasps appears suddenly and attacks him, which enables Christina to escape. No, I am not making this shit up. Christina runs out of the church while even more wasps burst through the window, descending upon Harlan. The camera pans back to reveal him lying on the church floor in a position reminiscent of the crucifixion. Guys, I really wish I was making this shit up. If only my mind was capable of creating something this golden.

Back at Casa Kramer, Ma Kramer has cleaned up Isabel’s room for Christina, so we know she’s in it for the long haul. We end with another beach scene and more ominous music. In voiceover form, we have a retread of Kingston and Boyd’s convo, warning that Christina will have to make a choice. Then we have a dramatic shot of her surfacing in the ocean, gazing into the camera with an expression that is either ominously dark or hilariously derpy, take your pick. Aaaaand that’s a wrap.

So there you have it, kids. The pilot of Point Pleasant. I really am shocked this show only lasted thirteen episodes. Shocked.

Stay tuned for the exciting next installment!

I finally had a chance to catch up on MIOBI, and it’s crackier than ever. I was seriously LOLing my ass off before we even made it through the first scene. The “Rock Rebels” are doing a photoshoot in faux-leather leotards and fishnests. I cannot make this shit up, dammit. I love how gymnasts in this show are treated like celebs. Meanwhile, Payson’s still around and training for Worlds. Her stunt work would suggest otherwise. Amidst this buoyant atmosphere, Ellen Beals, the Sue Sylvester wannabe national team leader, shows up to tell them they’re all suspended and Emily’s still out of a scholarship.

So Payson’s big arc is how, during her downtime, she supposedly grew an inch and went through puberty. We are then subjected to a heartfelt talk with her mother, who second-guesses if Payson should be in a sport that requires her to have the body of a nine-year-old girl. This would all have so much more resonance if they hadn’t hired an actress with more T&A than the Girls Next Door. Payson wants to petition back onto the national team, but Sasha feels that she isn’t ready for Worlds yet. Yet through this all, I still find Payson by far the most tolerable character, and it’s always her plotlines that remind me this is supposed to be a show about gymnastics.

Between this and “Rock Rebels,” I hope this site doesn’t get flagged for porn

Lauren is still boffing Carter and suffering delusions of him being her Edward Cullen, even though he seems embarrassed to be seen with her, makes her choose between him and Kaylie, and generally treats her like a pet. Actually, aside from the whole fuck buddies thing, this is a strikingly accurate comparison. There is a pretty lolarious scene when Lauren shows up at Pizza Shack in a trench coat and stilettos and flashes him, and his response is to tell her to take out the trash. Keepin’ it classy, these two. Lauren, jealous of Kaylie’s fame and prestige, later blurts out that Carter chose her. Yeah, Lauren, way to brag about the fact that he’s getting the milk without buying the cow. I’d almost feel sorry for Lauren if the writers weren’t so intent on making her come across as a desperate whore.

Chloe Kmetko is still dressing like a bargain basement Katie Fitch and dating Steve Tanner. Steve offers to help her out financially but she refuses. I still grudgingly kind of like Chloe, even if she is dumb as a box of rocks. Emily doesn’t do much in this episode but worry over her scholarship. Sasha continues to do fuck all in this ep but give cheesy inspirational speeches, and his being this amazing European coach is looking more and more like an informed ability. R.I.P, hardass Sasha. The writing on this show is about as consistent its stars’ acting ability.

Oh hey Criminal Minds round table (b/c it wouldn’t be a MIOBI recap if I didn’t mention another show I’d rather be watching)

The Rockettes go to Ellen Beals to plead their case. She asks them with whom their loyalties lie, the Force or the Dark Side. When a sufficient amount of sucking up has been accomplished, the Rockettes’ pleas actually work and get them un-suspended. Ellen sends Payson, Kaylie and Emily to a meet in France. Kaylie is ranked #1 and playground prodigy Emily is now #3. You keep bringing the gritty realism, show. Ms. Beals, however, adds, “And none for Lauren Tanner.” Ouch. Lauren throws a bitch fit which amounts to nothing and demands her Dad pull strings to get her on the team.

Damn, even Lauren’s leo is skimpier than the other girls’

So Steve meets Ellen at the same “swanky restaurant” set used for his and Chloe’s date earlier in the ep, where they strike a deal. Steve will work to get Belov out of gymnastics while Ellen takes Lauren to France as an alternate and re-instates Emily’s scholarship. Ellen asks Steve why he GAFs about Emily, and I have to say she has a point. Any self-respecting gym Dad would jump at a chance to take out the competition, regardless of whether or not he’s boffing said girl’s Mom.

Beals informs Emily that she has a scholarship again, and that she’s going to France. Chloe squeals in excitement and mentions that Damon is touring in Europe. BECAUSE EUROPE IS REALLY TINY, YOU GUISE. I’m sure Em and Damon will just like, bump into each other! …No, really. Considering what we’re watching, can there be any other outcome? We close with an extremely cheesealicious Emily/Damon montage over an acoustic pop ballad.

Oh, MIOBI, I did not realize how I’ve missed you. Nastia’s ep is up next. This should be a good time.

So Make It Or Break It premieres on Monday. And I know I keep saying this, but when it comes to recapping MIOBI… I’m done. For serious this time. I’m sorry, guys, but I just cannot do it anymore. I realize now that perhaps I held off so long updating this blog b/c I knew people would be expecting another MIOBI recap, and I couldn’t bring myself to do it. So I think it’s time to close that chapter of my recapping life. For those left disappointed by that news, I’m sorry. But I will still be watching, and I’m always up for a chat on this show’s delightful absurdity, so feel free to comment here or hit me up via e-mail if you’re interested.

That said, I’ve got a new crack now, and it’s called Point Pleasant. Some of you might recall this short-lived show. It aired in ’05 but it looks like it was filmed in ’97. It got some brief publicity for being a wannabe Twin Peaks and being co-produced by Buffy‘s Marti Noxon. However, PP had more in common with a low-budget OC crossed with a Dan Brown novel, which means it was awesome. Look for the first episode to be recapped here in loving detail soon. Fortunately, there’s only 13 eps, which means I should probably get through them all in a reasonable amount of time. Woo!

I was thinking of switching the focus of this blog from YA lit to old 80s/90s teen TV shows and movies (BSC and SVH eps totally fall into this category, so TU will still retain its YA ties). I might do books from time to time but I seem to thrive more on the television/cinema medium. That said, I am asking you, dear readers, if there is any old teen show or movie you’d like me to recap either concurrently with or after Point Pleasant? I’m asking for cancelled shows only please… as I learned with MIOBI, anything currently airing is just asking for my commitmentphobe tendencies to rear their ugly head, and also, I think it takes a few years after the fact for me to properly appreciate how charmingly awful a show is. I’m only willing to entertain taking on a complete series if it’s very short-lived, like PP (we’re talking a partial season here), otherwise I’m pleased to do a “worst of” sort of thing, like the Agony Booth’s Worst of Trek. So… comments? Suggestions? Any terrible episode of a 90s teen show you’re just dying to have me eviscerate recap? (keep in mind the show itself doesn’t necessarily have to be bad, just the episode). I’m in your hands.

Enjoy!

There’s also some subplot about the Rock’s Open House night.  The adults want the kids to remember that the sport is about having fun and to put on a show that reflects that.  So they all perform routines that look like something you’d see on one of those made-for-TV things like the Skatenastics Spectacular, on like a quarter of the budget.  Oh, and Emily is upset because people are saying OMG MEEN things about her online.  We get it, Ems, you’re a special freakin’ snowflake.  So at the open house, she does this whole monologue about how she learned to do bars on the monkey bars and learned beam routines on a ledge behind her apartment.  Ahh, MIOBI, continuing to advocate safe gymnastics practices.  Creepy Carter is still hiding out in Lauren’s attic trying to figure out where he’s going to stash the bodies, Lauren acts like a creepy stalker, and I’m starting to wonder which of these two the cast of Criminal Minds would have the most fun with.  Aaaaaaand that’s pretty much it.

Until next time!

OK so we start with Kaylie and Nick doing a photo shoot at the Rock for Seventeen magazine.

Oh wait, stop me if you’ve seen this before…

MJ the publicist continues to force Nick and Kaylie to do photo ops and such together because “it’s good PR.”  I guess it gets that non-national champ Nick more exposure whilst dispelling those pesky rumors that he likes hitting the wood, and I ain’t talking about his high bar routine.  So basically, being a Rock gymnast is like being a Disney star.

Nick and Kaylie spend the majority of the scene engaging in petty bickering, because apparently petty bickering = sexual tension.  These writers and JK Rowling go to the same school or what?  Meanwhile, Chloe Kmetko shows up in all her tacky glory to find that Emily has now earned an exalted parking spot in the Rock parking lot.  Inside, Creepy Carter slurms on over, and Lauren tries to drum up drama by dropping hints about Kaylie and Nick’s nonexistent staged whatever-it-is.  Sasha finally puts an end to this debacle by yelling at the photogs and publicists to GTFO, so the characters can continue to not actually practice at practice.

We are treated to a fantasy Payson beam routine, set against a dramatic dark backdrop with a spotlight upon her. What is it with this show and performing routines in really poor lighting?  I get that it’s ~*dramatic*~ and all but you could break something, yo.  Kind of like, you know, if you try to self-teach yourself and practice bar routines on the monkey bars and beam routines on a bridge–oh, wait.  Back to reality (and I use that term very loosely), where Payson stands by the beam playing it like a piano while “visualizing” her beam routine.

OIC.

Payson’s Mom worries that Payson is getting false hope.  Ma Keeler and Sasha try to talk some sense into her, but it doesn’t take.  In the viewing area, Chloe Kmetko prattles on to the other gym Moms, bragging about her parking spot and the fact that she’s one of them now.  They’re all like, “Whatever, bitch” and pretty much ignore her.  Back on the floor, MJ tells Kaylie that she and Nick have been invited out to L.A. where they will fly via private jet and walk the red carpet.  Kaylie can also bring two friends with her.  Seriously, guys?  Seriously?   I know this show operates in a universe with rules even less comprehensible than an episode of Lost, but you’re telling me that a couple of gymnasts with no Olympic or (as far as I know) international experience, one of whom isn’t even national champion, are big enough celebs to warrant photo shoots and star treatment in a non Olympic year?

Meanwhile, the Kaylie vs. Lauren feud still rages on.  This is one for the ages, you guys, like Paris vs. Lindsay or Lauren (Conrad) vs. Heidi.  Could use more bleach, booze, smack, and… well, we do have sleazy sex, so one out of four ain’t bad.  So Kaylie invites Payson and Emily to L.A. with her in front of Lauren.  Well, what do you know?  Kaylie finally develops a backbone–albeit a rather passive-aggressive one, but it’s progress, right?

Next we are treated to a rather awkward scene in Sasha’s office, during which Summer talks to Sasha about Payson and tries (unsuccessfully) to preach her faith to him. Oh dear Lord.  This is going to offend my godless liberal sensibilities, isn’t it?  In the gym, Nick informs Payson that he was able to get her an appointment with the best back doctor around.  Because it makes this show more interesting, I’ma pretend it’s this guy:

Now with 100% more jears!

The Boulder Creeper was an especially sadistic killer–he’d force his victims to see him shirtless before stuffing them in his jeep.

Since we haven’t had much evil Lauren times yet, the show makes up for this deficit by two scenes almost back-to-back (in between is a scene between Payson and her Mom, but nothing much happens and thus not worth recapping).  At practice, Lauren blackmails Nick into inviting her to L.A. as his plus one (seriously… don’t these kids ever actually practice?).  Out in the parking lot after practice, Lauren spies Carter stuffing a body into the trunk of his car and reports him to the police.  She’s identified the infamous serial killer nicknamed the Boulder Creeper!  Now young women can rest easy.

Just kidding.  Nothing that exciting happens, sadly.  Lauren finds out Carter’s Dad kicked him out of the house for spending too much time watching reruns of Gymkata and whacking off, and now he’s homeless.  Lauren, of course, is eager to jump in and play good stalker bitch samaritan.  She invites Carter to crash at Casa Tanner, presumably in the attic, which conveniently has a single bed just sitting there and not covered with boxes and dust and shit.  Jeez, Lauren, don’t you know better than to invite a serial killer into your home?  When the Feds find you and Dear Old Dad with your throats slit, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

“Mrs. George, could you go and fix your hair?”

Now we cut to L.A. where we are treated to a montage of a vapid teenage girls cruising by famous landmarks in a convertible while insipid pop music plays.  No, we didn’t accidentally wander into an episode of The Hills.  I would never diss the Hills. That’s quality entertainment right there.  Next we see the GPs lounging by a pool somewhere sipping drinks with little umbrellas in them and waxing poetic about a Lauren-free vacation.  Can someone please explain how these virgins who can’t drive managed to secure cocktails?  It’s not like any of them could play Hello Titty with the bartender, because that would require possession of titties.  Maybe Regina George’s Mom served them, a hump day treat.  I don’t even know.

The reason why ohonotheydidnt’s “nobody” tag exists.

Next we’re treated to the eagerly-awaited scene of the girls walking the red carpet.  Emily meets up with Damon, and I’m seriously starting to wonder what kind of Hollywood party this is.  They’re letting in all the riffraff, aren’t they?  Emily slinks across the carpet all self-conscious like and when asked who she is, answers that she’s nobody.  Can’t fault her for self awareness.  But Payson gives her a stern talking to, reminding her that she’s a national team member, you guys.  So Emily goes back and struts her stuff and proudly owns up to being a national team member, OMG.  The paps and fans who showed up to see actual celebs continue to scratch their heads and wonder who the heck this bint is.  Lauren makes her entrance a while later, to the chagrin of everyone else.

Back in Boulder, Chloe has embarked on an ill-fated journey through online dating.  She signed up on a matchmaking site, where she naturally made up half her profile and posted a really old picture of herself.  She has secured a date with someone who calls himself “Tan Man” and gee, guys, whoever could this be?  I have no idea. Chloe meets “Tan Man” at a restaurant for their date–turns out Steve Tanner used a fake picture, too!  Imagine that!  Har Har.  So these two get over their mortification and actually enjoy their evening.  Steve offers to hook Chloe up with a new car (well, technically used but new to her) since she can’t be driving the hoopty to the Rock anymore, not now that she has her own parking space.  Hmm, maybe I should try this online dating thing.  I could use a new car.

Oh Heathus, could I use one of these right now.

Yeah, I’m just going to leave this here.

Back at the swanky Hollywood bash, no one gets drunk and/or coked-up or flashes their vajayjay and therefore I am bored.  Damon does catch some skinny guy with a bleached-blond combover scamming on Emily.  Guys, I think we’ve moved beyond beer-flavored nipples at this point.  Emily is one big walking pheromone.  Damon and Emily get in an argument about Razor, but Emily figures there’s more to it than that.  Turns out Damon’s big break was penning songs for some teenybopper girl group–so basically, the kind of artists whose music is featured prominently on this show.  Fancying himself the next Eddie Vedder, Damon is totally like, compromising his vision. Emily talks some sense into him, and for once I actually agree with her.  Dude, Max Martin is laughing all the way to the bank.

Kaylie, have you been snooping around the writers’ room again?

In other news, Payson and Nick make out, while Kaylie gets invited to an ~*exclusive*~ after party.  At the party, Kaylie drinks champagne while some random guy passes her a joint.  Finally, this debacle gets interesting!  Sadly, however, Lauren kills my buzz by overhearing a bunch of paps gossiping about a private party full of athletes, booze, and drugs.  Sounds like a good time to me!  Lauren manages to beat the paps upstairs (supposedly she pressed all the buttons in their elevator before leaving and taking another one) and rescues Kaylie just in time.  The two share a tearful heart-to-heart during which they make up and are total BFFs again–at least, until Lauren pulls her next nefarious stunt.

“Emily, look!  Bill and Ted are back with more clothes from 1985!”

Back at home, Chloe shows Emily their bitchin’ new Kia, courtesy of Steve.  As for Lauren, she checks up on Carter and I can’t even say she gets her Swimfan on, because she’s too pathetic to even be creepy anymore.  Finally, Payson’s story staggers to an anticlimactic close when the back doctor (sadly, not Jack Shephard) agrees with the Boston doctors’ prognosis; Payson can never do gymnastics again. Payson and her ‘rents shed enough jears to make up for Jack’s absence.  All mocking aside, though, I really do feel for Payson, who continues to be the character I like and root for in spite of all the absurdity surrounding her.

And that’s it for this ep, guys.  I’ll try to get the next two up posthaste.  Hope you enjoyed!

My thoughts exactly, Payson.

So we open with Emily info-dumping to us via a convo with Chloe that the Rock has been chosen as the national team training center, and today the national team coach will be announced.  I can find so very, very much wrong with these statements.  I know how much you all love it when I get pretentious about real-life gymnastics knowledge, so… *crackles knuckles* 

In the mesozoic era 80s and 90s (and before, but I wasn’t born yet so w/e), the gymnastics program in the US was mostly club-centered and extremely decentralized.  However, in the early 2000s, USA Gymnastics decided to try for a more centralized training system in order to compete with the highly centralized training systems of USA’s biggest rival countries.  Thus, the Karolyi Ranch was born–OK, I’m pretty sure it existed before, but it became the national team training center.  Marta Karolyi was named national team coordinator.  Gymnasts on the national team did the bulk of their training at their respective clubs, but attend death training camps periodically.  Before a big international competition, training camp, along with a trial competition, determines which gymnasts will attend said competition.  Usually, this ends up by default being whoever’s the least broken.

Oh man, that felt good.  Getting back to the show, Emily finds out Chloe ruined her national team jacket in the wash and freaks out.  Chloe lends her a tacky blue hoodie thinking that Sasha might’ve forgotten to put his contacts in this morning and won’t notice.  Emily’s flipping out over being late, so Chloe makes a truly tasteless joke about having done worse things while driving than putting on makeup.  Um, excuse you, this is an ABC family show.  I’ve heard less tasteless dialogue on Criminal Minds and this is a show about serial killers.  Hey, did you guys know both Chloe and Marty Walsh were on Criminal Minds as guest stars?  … OK, I’ll stop talking about yet another show I’d rather be watching.

“Damn, woman, at least get yourself a decent pair of Spanx.”

At the rock, Kaylie talks to a gymnast with a truly heinous leotard and even more heinous wedgie.  No, seriously.  That wedgie is disconcerting.  I think it has stolen the entire scene.  Kelly Parker is there in all her bitch-tacular glory, for no apparent reason except to trash-talk Lauren and Kaylie.  I still want to know how Kelly knows that Lauren bonked Kaylie’s ugly bf.  The theory on wwgym is that Kelly twitter-stalks them, but would they really tweet something like that?  But then, given the average intelligence these characters have exhibited over the series, I should know better than to ask such questions.  Payson is there with a hoodie zipped up over her brace, which gives her the unflattering look of a sausage stuffed into green cotton.  Sasha offers her a gig as assistant coach, which she turns down. Emily shows up, late as usual, just in time to hear the announcement.  The national team coach is… Marty Walsh!  The camera cuts over to him standing there smirking.  Emily Prentiss is not impressed.

Credits, and then we come back to a scene of expected butthurt among the Rock crowd.  The national committee dude approaches Chloe and Emily, concerned about Emily’s math grades.  Elite gymnasts are held up to rigorous academic standards, guys!

Furthermore, if one looks at the disparity between Emily’s apparent skill level and her scores, I’m thinking she’s not the only one with questionable math skills.

Not sure I’d want to admit that, just sayin’.

Later on at the Shack, Emily and Razor exchange banter that is so memorable, I don’t even remember it and I watched this a few days ago.  Oh yeah, I think it was Emily confessing she’s a serial killer elite gymnast (although granted, I like the serial killer part better) and Razor being all butthurt that she told Damon and not him.  Emily points out that actually Chloe told Damon, while the script completely dodges the fact that Razor hardly knew Emily before he left but hey, between him and Creepy Carter, we got some real Edward Cullens-in-training here.  You know there’s a problem when Damon, who was played as the cocky jerk, comes out looking like the best catch of them all.  Damn you, Damon!  You and Steve Tanner are the best parts of this show and you’re not even on now!  OK, well, you’re the only watchable ones, but I’ll settle for that. 

“No offense, Razor, but I’m starting to see why the whole mime thing didn’t work out.”

Lauren, Payson, and Kaylie show up for an emergency BSC Rockette meeting, during which they hatch a scheme to get Marty fired.  The brilliant idea?  Try to make him look incompetent during practice.  Um, if you would look at Marty’s behavior during his time on the show, I don’t think he really needs your help, girls.  Furthermore, why take the risk of making yourselves look bad?  Look, Marty’s already shady enough after the debacle with Kaylie’s Mom–so why not just have the sluttiest girl seduce him while recording it on her camera phone?  It’s easy!  Quick!  (And no, that was not a pun).  And if all y’all are worried about the slutty girl in question getting booted off the team, have Payson do it.  She can’t compete anyway, and who knows, that back brace would probably get Marty all hot.  Speaking of which, during this meeting, Payson is like, “Screw this, you bitches are on your own” and takes off.  Um, then why did you bother showing up to start with, Pay?  While I can’t blame her for her reaction, you’d think she’d not want to waste her time.

Next we have a scene at Casa Cruz where Kaylie’s dad tries to get all manager-ly and she reminds him that she fired him.  At the shack, we have another Emily/Razor scene.  Chloe shows up to flirt inappropriately with him, and Razor confesses that he used to be a mathlete before he joined a band and became so cool.  Nah… too easy.  You guys know what’s coming, right?  Please tell me you do. 

“Yeah, I’d tap that.”

At practice, the girls put their plan into action, which basically involves having the Rock gymnasts all fuck up so Marty looks incompetent, when in actuality, they just end up looking like a bunch of spazzes.  Greeeaaaat plan, girls.  So any of you got a working camera phone?  Sasha catches up to Kaylie in the parking lot and chews her out for being disrespectful to Marty and her new teammates, but Kaylie can’t tell him the real reason why she can’t work with Marty.  Meanwhile, Marty approaches Payson to drop more anvils about a future coaching career for her.  Finally, Lauren continues her pathetic bid to get into Creepy Carter’s warm-up pants by telling him Kaylie’s over him.  Then his phone rings, and it’s Kaylie.

They meet up in Kaylie’s car, during which Kaylie proceeds to whine him (and the audience) to death.  I’m getting really over this bint.  I was sympathetic to her up to a point, but now her whining is just getting old and I want to tell her to grow a damn backbone.  Further proof of what a wimp Kaylie is comes when she and Creeper start making out and she tries to initiate some vehicular sex.  The writers, in a desperate bid to make Creeper appear to be something other than Shady McShaderson, make him keep turning her down for sex.  Way to perpetuate the virgin/whore dichotomy, guys.  Feminism loves you right now, almost as much as it loves Stephenie Meyer.  Kaylie gets all upset and kicks him out of her car, after which he utters one of this show’s classic lines: “We are soulmates and belong together!”  I start fantasizing about Kaylie gunning it and running him down with her car.

I don’t really have a caption for this one; it just amuses me.

Emily arrives home to find Razor waiting for her to begin their tutoring sessions.  I don’t know if it’s this guy or the writing, but he seriously cannot act his way out of a wet paper bag.  In fact, his acting is so bad I actually find it offensive.  I need to go do some violence now.  Excuse me a sec.

Dammit, I got blood on my keyboard.  If I need a new Macbook, I’m sending the bill to ABC Family.  Did I mention how much I miss Damon?  What is it with Damons being the most watchable characters on a godawful show?  (Yes, that was a reference to the Vampire Diaries, and Heathus help me, I think I’d even rather be watching that).  This scene goes pretty much as you’d expect, and we mercifully move on.

PAYSON: Mom, why is this recapper such a raging bitch?
MA KEELER: At least she seems to like you…

Next we have Payson getting a pep talk from her Mom, and this is another scene that actually kind of works, despite its inherent cheesiness.  In fact, for all the riffing I do on it, Payson’s plotline is probably the most believable and interesting right now.  It’s certainly the only one that has a thing to do with gymnastics; at least, how gymnastics functions in the real world.  It’s predictable, granted, but given the way that Payson’s been established as a character, it’s really the only path that makes sense for her.  She could never leave gymnastics behind, no matter how difficult it is for her right now.  In a way, I’d have much preferred to see Payson’s accident happen to another character instead.  Kaylie doesn’t seem to have any real passion for gymnastics beyond it being what she’s done all her life.  She doesn’t care about being national champ.  She doesn’t seem to care about anything but having a boyfriend and having time to make her room even pinker.  So what if she got injured, could finally achieve her dream of being a “normal” girl and ends up breaking up with Creepy McCreeperson anyway due to the whole, you know, being a total Creeper thing and all?  You know she’s not going to adjust seamlessly after the kind of life she’s led, and letting go of gymnastics, no matter how much she resented it at times, is not going to be easy.  And that, ladies and gents, would be some compelling drama.

But fuck all that, let’s just have her boyfriend shag her slutty BFF instead.

“Next week, the bottom three will dance for your lives to see who stays on the team.  It won’t affect the judges’ decision, but it will amuse me.”

Before practice, Emily has a talk with Chloe and asks her to quit meddling in her gymnastics life because she always seems to fuck it up for her.  Then Marty decides to pretend he’s hosting So You Think You Can Dance–he has the girls all line up, calls out a list of names, then has those girls step forward to form two lines.  You know, I think a rose ceremony would be more amusing.  And somehow apropos, given the trashiness of this supposed family show.  Anyway, the Rockettes are all in one line and the Denverites in another.  The Rockettes are all gloating until Marty drops the bomb that they ain’t the line going to Worlds.  Burn!  That’s what you bints get for not listening to me.  You know it’s dire when even Ashlee Simpson does better blackmail.

Afterward, Kelly comes up to Payson and tells her the reason Sasha wasn’t picked for head coach is because Payson ate it and broke her back on national TV.  Payson goes to Sasha’s office and calls him on it, but he informs her that it isn’t just her accident that’s a black mark against him.  When he was still coaching in Romania, a gymnast got injured on his watch but seemed fine.  Her parents took her home without having her checked out, and she died.  Might I remind you guys, in real life, there absolutely zero scandal associated with training methods in Romania, particularly during the 80s/90s.  And as I already established, the Karolyis practically are American gymnastics, and there’s no scandal tainting their coaching history, either.

The dirty jokes really just make themselves.

Intercut with these scenes is a dialogue between Pa Cruz and Ma Keeler, during which Ma Keeler reminds him of the importance of family.  Kaylie and Pa Cruz then have a heart-to-heart, which is heartwarming and all but bores me too much to make fun of.  Then we have a scene between Emily and Summer during which Emily has a crisis of conscience over Sasha and Marty, seeing as it was Marty who found her on a playground.  Summer informs Emily that the reason Marty found her was because Chloe had been bombarding him with letters, all of which look like something written by a twelve-year-old (her letters and this script have that in common).  Emily is properly chagrined, and I can honestly say I am right there with her.  Emily returns home where Chloe is trying to re-dye Emily’s ruined team jacket.  Emily thanks Chloe and they hug, and I have to say that however misguided her efforts are, Chloe’s a sweet and devoted mom.  I grow weary of watching her being bitched out by whiny emo Emily.

“Summer, if you even try the condescending shoulder pat, I will end you.”

The next day (I assume), Payson shows up at the Rock for a national team photo op and to give her teammates a dressing-down/pep talk over their behavior toward Marty.  Basically, she’s like, “Tough shit; Sasha’s out, so y’all better get used to Marty and stop acting like a bunch of whiny bitches.”  Payson implies she will be returning in some capacity; the other girls assume it’s to coach.  They all group hug.  Chloe shows up with Emily’s team jacket, claiming she was able to fix it.  Chloe later goes to up Summer to thank her for buying Emily a new jacket.  I think I will dub her St. Summer from now on.  She’s so the Elizabeth Wakefield of this show.  Payson informs her mother that she will be in the picture next year–not as a coach, but as national champion.  Ma Keeler gets this “WTF” look on her face, and inspiring music swells as the photographer snaps the photo.

“Uhhh… Razor?  I think the recapper’s trying to steal that bottle of wine on the counter.  I see her eyeing it suspiciously.”

We end on a scene at the Shack between Emily and Razor, during which I seriously contemplate slipping rat poison into my Pepsi.  But there’s a new Criminal Minds next week so I decided I should stick around. Damon calls and Razor tells Emily to say hi for him.  Emily informs Damon she got an A on her algebra test and gazes angstily at Razor whilst telling Damon she misses him.  Thus endeth this week’s debacle.  Now wasn’t that fun?

I’m looking over your poll results, and I really hope to have a BSC done soon for your reading pleasure.  I scored a couple at a library book sale, so le yay!  Man, you know it’s dire when I’m actually looking forward to the BSC’s shenanigans after recapping this show.  Until next time!