And now for something completely different

OK, I know I’ve been scarce lately, and I’m sorry.  I’ll try to get the rest of Secret Circle written up as soon as possible.  But I just had to interrupt for this little piece of fabulosity I discovered on the web.

So ABC Family is launching a new show about elite gymnasts called Make it or Break it. I declare this show relevant to this blog’s interests, because while it might not technically be cheesy YA, it shares many elements with this genre, as this post will soon elucidate.  Do I even have to tell you how awesome this show is going to be?  “Awesome” meaning “so deliciously snarkable my fingers are tingling just thinking about it.”  Well, guess what.  I found myself a 10-minute preview clip over at ABC Family, and I just had to do it.  So here it is, all 10 minutes recapped in cheesetacular detail, as well as the teaser trailer beforehand.

It’s me, so I’m cutting this for image-heaviness, mild profanity, and budding alcoholism

Next on Everwood: Bright knocks up a gymnast.

So the teaser opens with a tall skinny brunette walking down a picturesque street in some scenic location that looks like Colorado or Utah or something, because clearly I am too goddamned lazy to imdb this.  So that’s what they did with Everwood‘s old sets, and if a recap drinking game existed, there’d definitely be a provision for every time I mention a show I’d rather be watching.  Dramatic score music, montages of stunt doubles tumbling across the screen, coaches making bitchfaces.  I see Elton from Clueless is now gainfully employed as a gymnastics coach.  Are all y’all parents sure you want him around your daughters after the way he attacked Cher in the car?

“Rollin’ With My Homies.”

Switch to some generic pop music, because it’s time now for the ~teen angst~ angle.  Skinny brunette swings around the bars.  Did y’all know she was found on a playground?  It’s not like any other famous gymnasts were.  Man, did the writers borrow JK Rowling’s anvils, or what?  Inspirational music swells in the background while an attractive older couple, clearly one of the gymnasts’ parents, worriedly wonder if they should’ve made this their lives.  Don’t lie.  You know you bitches took one look at Shannon Miller’s Mom’s book and dollar signs flashed in your eyes.  The montage continues and a voice says dramatically, “Absolutely no dating.”  Immediately cut to a dark-haired gymnast in a car with some generically attractive young actor who has never been seen before in this trailer.  He worries over keeping their ~luv~ a secret.  My heart (or at least the cold, black void where one would normally exist) is breaking for them.

Don’t worry, Em. My brain cells feel the same way.

The music amps up and we now cut to the “arena of dreams” which looks an awful lot like a small and poorly-lit gym.  Coach Elton ominously orders, “Let her vault!”  Next we see a French-braided Hayden Panettierre lookalike assuring her teammate that her Dad will “take care of Emily” (whom we will later find out is Playground Girl).  How Texas Cheerleader.  This shit’s getting real, y’all.  Our announcer says dramatically, “A new kind of rivalry will begin.”  Bullshit, haven’t you ever watched like, any teen show ever?  I have only seen a few minutes of this show and these bitches ain’t no Blair and Serena.  More smash-cuts between shots of Hayden 2.0 diva-ing out and a single tear rolling down Playground Girl’s cheek.  Eragon would be proud.

Now we begin our ten-minute preview, and I can hardly wait.  Pan over a nice middle-class suburban home.  The attractive older couple from the teaser walks out, speaking anxiously of their trendily-named daughters.  Payson?  Really?  More cheesy dialogue, and the famous “Are you sure we did the right thing by making this our lives?” quote.  Then they banter about conceiving their oldest child at the prom, just to prove that they indeed possess genitalia and are not plastic pod people like most teen show ‘rents are.  Thanks, guys, we really wanted to know this.  The daughters walk out and the oldest one, Payson, has a total stick up her ass that makes Svetlana Khorkina look positively chill.

Megan Fox, this might be your future.

Cut to a Skins-esque just-waking-up shot of an attractive and androgynous young actor, and it’s time for me to take another drink.  Maybe that’s what this show needs more of–nothing like some drinking, sexin’, and recreational drug use.  And lesbianism.  Actually, putting two of the gymnasts in a lesbian relationship would be a  compelling and intriguing plotline, so of course we won’t see anything like that outside of bad fanfiction.  Aaaaanyway, the actor we see waking up turns out to be a fresh-faced young thing named Emily, who’s freaking out because her mother didn’t wake her up and she’s going to be late to the big meet.  The mother, who apparently wandered over from the set of a raunchy B-movie about aging, busted strippers, is wearing a tight and cleavagey red outfit that I can only describe as hooker-tastic.  Wow, they even got the $2 red drugstore lipstick, too!  Emily’s Mom looks botoxed all to hell and is about as expressive as someone who is, too.  Good job, costume people.


Fade in to trials for the national team, which are taking place at the gym shown in the first teaser trailer.  We see a bunch of suit-clad judges who are far too young and attractive to be believable, but they do have the “we have been sucking on lemons for hours straight” look down pat.  A bunch of gymnasts are warming up, with the leads doing haphazard stretches showing no flexibility whatsoever (at least they got one of the extras to do a backbend in the background, though).  The French-braided Hayden lookalike is there, making catty over-the-top comments about Emily.  Blair Waldorf must be straining her eyes rolling them at this wannabe.  Hayden 2.0 gets a truly constipated look on her face as Emily runs in, but she does get props for uttering one of the most memorable lines in this preview: “Is that hooker her mother?”

So I’m thinking the white powder in those bins? Not chalk.

A gymnast named Kaylie Cruz is up on bars, and she’s wearing a truly hideous pink-and-black shiny creation not even the Parkettes would touch.  The announcer adds that she placed eighth in another competition, and I don’t recall any announcers at gymnastics meets ever adding this kind of information.  Usually it’s just the chick’s name and what school or club she represents.  Anyway, we get a split-screen montage of the stunt double doing her thing while some disembodied fingers click on keyboards and a lemon-sucking judge looks on.  Energetic pop music plays as we see more montages of this type.  Hayden 2.0’s stunt double does this really gnarly cowboyed double front off bars, but Hayden 2.0 is ridiculously pleased as she salutes.  Emily’s routine, instead of getting the split-screen montage, gets motion-sickness inducing camera work instead.  Well, someone’s been watching Cloverfield.  *drinks*

She’s either blowing a kiss to the judges or is about to throw up–no wait, that was me.

The girls are all bitches to Emily when she returns to the sidelines… um, guys?  Where’s the podium?  (And yes, I fail for just now noticing that there is no podium).  I’m no expert but I’m fairly sure most meets take place on a podium.  They did at my uni.  I need to stop nitpicking the gymnastics bits already or we’ll be here all night.  Anyway, we get a really brief montage of the gymnasts performing on floor, but we hardly see any of their routines because the show was probably running out of airtime and they needed to cut something.  We do get a bit of not-particularly-impressive tumbling and I had to flinch a little at one girl’s flexed feet.  OK, I’ll stop, really.  Kaylie finishes with a ridiculously twee pose that would’ve worked brilliantly in a parody, but this show’s insistence at taking itself seriously shoots that possibility in the (flexed) foot.

Oh, shut up.  You know that one was a real knee-slapper.

We keep going back to this bald pornstached-dude in the audience whom I assume is Kaylie’s father, or else a really, really creepy sugar daddy.  How CSI of me. *drinks*  We get some quick flashes of the scoreboard on which the scores are rather high for the degree of difficulty these montages show us.  I’m seeing the leads with 16+ scores after bars.  There were only five 16+ scores among all the gymnasts in the all-around at Beijing, just sayin’.  Screw those losers at the Karolyi Ranch; can we recruit these bitches?

Payson’s little sis, Becca (in a lovely Pepto-Bismol colored creation that would make Bob Mackie cringe) completes her bar routine and is like, so psyched.  She runs up to the ‘rents, which happens all the time in gymnastics competitions.  Her Mom acts like a total stage Mom and Becca’s like, “I just want to have fun.”  Hey, that’s what I said, yet I’m sitting here recapping this shit.

“You mean someone was actually paid to write this?”

Cut to Hayden 2.0, whose name I finally find out is Lauren, on beam.  She’s supposed to be a really prolific beam worker, which means she’s totally going to Tan this.  Payson’s Ma utters the Line of the Evening, which blows Lauren’s earlier quip out of the water: “No one should be able to do what she can do on four inches of wood.”  … Nah, too easy.  Cut to Lauren straddling the wood and kicking her legs in the air and… what?  Why are you looking at me like that?  A hip R&B/pop tune plays in the background as Lauren’s stunt double does nothing remarkable on beam, then eats it on a back handspring + 2 layout step-out pass.  Dude, no one even does that pass anymore.  It’s all about the front aerial+LOSO+LOSO.  Silly writers.  Anyway, Lauren crashes, and I expect the lights to go out and Roma Downey to appear in a flowing white dress.  But that doesn’t happen.  Instead, we just get a bunch of shocked gasps and shocked looks and one chick is like, “Holy shizzle.”  I… really don’t have anything to say to that.  Except perhaps that Lauren should just go postal and call them all a bunch of fucking twats.  *drink*

*Hic* OK, time to put the Jack Daniels down.

“Hehe, they forgot to block”

Lauren gets back on the beam and does her dismount.  It occurs to me that the girls make really loud clunking noises anytime they land anything.  Methinks someone got a bit too happy in the sound studio.  Emily is up next. One girl, Payson I think, insists on cheering for Emily while the others still act like bitches.  Dramatic sports-movie music comes on and Emily does her beam routine, which consists of extremely uninspired choreo (OK, so that bit is realistic) and is also extremely short. I think all she does is the BHS+LOSO+LOSO pass, a jump, and then a full-twisting back tuck dismount.  Watch her get a 17 for that, yo.  Everyone claps and even the lemon-sucking judges are smiling.  Mary Sue, party of one, your table is ready!

“For the last time, you cannot play the cheerleader on Heroes instead.”
Dammit! *drinks*

Lauren flips out and runs over to the office to bitch at her Dad, which happens all the time in meets.  Apparently, if Emily beats Lauren, she’s out.  I don’t really get this, because if these are team tryouts… wouldn’t there be more than three gymnasts on the team?  Anyway, Dad is largely unsympathetic and tells Lauren to go out there and do the vault of her life.

Payson is on vault and the announcer is sure to tell us that this is like, the hardest vault evar and might even be the next Olympic gold vault!  So they proceed to not show it to us, instead focusing on Lauren being a cheating cheater.  She finds a clipboard with the gymnasts’ preferred springboard placement (I think) and hastily changes Lauren’s number.  Yeah, officials would totally leave that kind of info lying around unsupervised.  Payson sticks the uh-mazing vault we never actually see, and then it’s Lauren’s turn.  She sticks her vault, dramatic music sounds, and Emily’s up.  Aaaaaaaand we cut off right as she’s taking off from the springboard.

Oh, fuck you, ABC Family.  I watched all this and don’t even get a decent wipeout? Although knowing Emily she’ll probably stick it cold.

Oh, and can we get a deduction for Lauren’s fug leo?  It looks like a creamsicle threw up on the Orange Orange in Chuck.

Oh, fuck my life. *Drinks*

3 thoughts on “And now for something completely different

  1. I bet they have her pull a Kerri Strug and she injures herself and then gets to vault again and lands it on one leg.

  2. Pingback: MIOBI 1×01 snarkage « The Unicorner

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