“Let’s really awkwardly talk about sex, baby” or Make It or Break It 1×04, “Like Mother, Like Daughter, Like Supermodel”

Previously, on Make It or Break It: Creepy Carter makes up with Kaylie after totally boning Lauren, but Lauren, interested in preserving her friendship with sweet Kaylie, doesn’t want her to find out.  The girls experience a bonding moment whilst cleaning mats at the Rock. Sasha propositions Payson’s Mom… to be the new gym manager, you perverts.  Meanwhile, Chloe Kmetko subs for Emily at the Pizza Shack and tells Damon that Emily’s Never Been Kissed.  I am mad that this show keeps reminding me of things I’d rather be watching. \~/

So what’s in store for us this week?  Fun, fashion, and awkward sex talk aplenty!

We open with the usual scenic shots of Boulder before we get an establishing shot of the Rock, followed by a montage of not-entirely-sucky gymnastics stunt work to a peppy pop ditty. Chloe Kmetko walks in with Emily, Chloe dressed in her usual hooker wear while Emily’s sporting a look fresh out of an ’80s jazzercise vid.  Chloe’s excited about the first meeting of the Rock Moms, and Emily’s all uptight about Chloe blabbing their business.  She tells Chloe she likes to keep the separate parts of her life separate, and Chloe recounts a charming story of how Emily used to separate her peas and crackers and whatnot as a baby.  I sense a future OCD patient in the works!  Hey, Em, say hi to Hugo Reyes at the mental hospital, mmk? \~/ Chloe catches sight of Sasha Fierce and wants a piece of that, mmm hmm.

Cut to Lauren and Kaylie, who are doing stretches together while Kaylie eagerly grills Lauren about her first sexual experience.  Guys, this isn’t homoerotic at all. Not in the least,  Get your damned minds out of the gutter.  They engage in some girl talk that is truly cringe-inducing–seriously, it makes Crusher and Troi’s heart-to-hearts seem realistic and emotionally resonant.  They also use the term “lose your virginity” and its variants like ten times in this scene which makes me deeply uncomfortable.  Lauren demonstrates to Kaylie that getting your cherry popped makes you do a front tuck mount.  Well, actually, having the best stunt double does, but close enough.  Now I really wish I’d gotten more ass in college.  I could’ve gone to the Olympics!

OMG you guys, Lauren and Kaylie are totally Crusher and Troi!

“That’s what we get for signing those free trade agreements!” \~/

Meanwhile, the Moms conglommerate in the office.  Chloe tries to bond with Ronnie Cruz over their similar handbags, but Ronnie’s like, “Ewww, a knockoff!” Apparently Ma Keeler has assumed her duties as manager and presides over the meeting.  Steve Tanner comes in and foists Summer off on the Moms, despite the fact that Summer’s not a Mom (that we know of).  Is there something you’re not telling us, Steve?  Immaculate conception, perhaps?  The Moms discuss ways to raise money to send the girls to Nationals and there’s this picture of a gymnast on the wall with really terrible form and I couldn’t not comment on that; it was driving me crazy.  Anyway, Ronnie Cruz, who’d fit right on on Real Housewives: Boulder, wants to relive her glory days as a pop star hottie by staging a mother-daughter fashion show.

Cut back to the floor, where Payson’s stunt double tumbles across the mat while some guitar-driven rock music plays.  Payson’s hardcore, yo.  Sasha is displeased with her performance and tells her that gymnastics isn’t just about athletics, it’s about grace and beauty, too!  Has this guy witnessed any meets after say, the early 2000s?  Payson protests that she’s not about that and Sasha is rather creepily insistent on letting her know how beautiful she is.

“If I have to hear this crappy music one more time…”

Cut to Kaylie over at the chalk bin.  Creepy Carter comes up to her wondering what dish she and Lauren have been sharing all morning and why isn’t he on it?  Kaylie spills about Lauren cashing in her V-card and Creepy Carter gets this total “Oh, shit” look on his face.  Before he can subject us to any more bad acting, however, the Moms come out and pitch the idea of the fashion show.  Most of the girls are excited over it, except conspicuously for Payson and Emily.  Sasha is totally into it, too, because yay underage girls prancing around on a runway! The camera cuts over to Payson who’s got this total “I’ma cut a bitch!” look on her face while everyone celebrates and this show’s omnipresent peppy pop music soundtrack resumes. It’s a kind of hilarious juxtaposition.

Credits time!  When we return, we’re treated to another montage of the 90 or so elites at the Rock before focusing on the Gymnastic Plastics plus Emily, grousing about the fashion show.  OK well, Emily and Payson grouse, but Kaylie and Lauren are into it.  Lauren tells them her Mom can’t make it because the Mom’s doing relief work in Darfur.  Kaylie suggests Lauren get Summer to do the show with her but Lauren says she’d rather choke on a tube sock.  OK, I know gymnastics is stuck in the 90s with the scrunchies and all but a tube sock?  That was random.  Kaylie wants to blow Creepy Carter’s mind (cut to him creeping in the background) and I am just not going to touch that one with a 10-foot pole.  Kaylie goes on to say she wants to set Creepy Carter on fire.  Now that, I can get into.  Although we probably don’t mean it the same way.

“No more double espressos for you, Ma!”

Pa Tanner and Summer are hanging around in the office.  Pa Tanner’s attempting to reassure Summer that Lauren doesn’t really think she’s a social climbing gold-digger when Lauren shows up and asks Summer to be in the fashion show with her.  She’s totally fakey-fake but Pa Tanner and Summer totally buy it.  Out on the floor, Chloe comes up to Emily to giddily girl-talk about how ~dreamy~ Coach Sasha is.  Emily has a stick up her butt per usual and makes Chloe promise not to embarrass her.  Chloe makes goo-goo eyes at Sasha and heads out.  Too late, Emily!

Hey, my face kinda looks like that when I watch this show too!

Creepy Carter and Kaylie tryst at the water cooler again, and Carter asks Kaylie if she’s sure Lauren was a virgin.  How on earth would Kaylie be sure?  Did she conduct a test like they do to teenage brides in old-school patriarchal cultures?  Kaylie hilariously discusses what a jerk Lauren’s deflower-er sounds like and Carter looks totally uncomfortable.  Or it could just be indigestion; with this guy’s acting it’s hard to tell.  Kaylie rhapsodizes about how beautiful and hot she and Creeper’s first time together will be, because he thinks she’s hot, right?  Carter gives this totally stilted answer: “Way hot, bunny.”  Bunny?  He been taking his romance tips from Mary Anne “Love-bunny” Spier?  He follows up by immediately leering at Lauren on four inches of wood, then says he has to get back to practice.  Really?  These kids practice?  They seem to spend an inordinate amount of time hanging around and advancing the plot, just sayin’.  It’s kind of like how classes at Degrassi Junior High are like five minutes long, just enough for Stephanie to act hobaggy or Yick and Arthur to make fools of themselves or whatever the plot of the week requires.  \~/

Meanwhile, Payson goes up to Sasha and tries to weasel out of the fashion show, but he’s not hearing it.  He tells her to consider it part of her training.  I know I keep saying this but man, I wish I trained at the Rock.

“Don’t worry, Carter… you know what they say.  It’s not the size of the boat, but the ~motion~ of the ~ocean.~

Cut to after practice, I guess.  Creepy Carter is creeping over to his car where Lauren’s lying in wait for him.  He confronts her on the whole virgin thing and claims she seemed so experienced.  Just say it, Carter, you thought Lauren was a big ole slutbag.  Lauren doesn’t prove him wrong.  She seems perfectly comfortable with the fact that he’s not leaving Kaylie, and offers to be sekrit fuck buddies as porno-ish music swells in the background.  Through the back window of Carter’s car, we see Summer standing across the parking lot frowning.  I just love how everyone just so happens to be in the right place at the right time to witness all the drama.  \~/ (I have concluded this should be a new drinking game rule).  Oh show, don’t ever change.

Cosmo tip #40 in attracting sexy British coaches: suggestive envelope licking!

Back to the gym, where a stunt double who is clearly not Kaylie is working on the beam.  \~/ (Another new role: O hai obvious stunt double). Sasha is displeased and tells Kaylie she needs fire.  At that moment, Lauren’s stunt double does a double front vault, and it’s actually not bad (except for those flexed feet, cringe).  Sasha points to her and says, “That kind of fire.”  OIC what you did here, show.  Poor Kaylie, so confused.  Cut to the office, where Ma Keeler’s doing her manager-ly duties.  Sasha walks in and shows far too much interest in Payson’s femininity, postulating that she sees it as weakness.  He remarks offhandedly that this is a trait girls learn from their mothers, which segues into a chance to get flirty with Ma Keeler.  Hmmm… could this be the beginning of a beautiful recycled plotline?

Fade out, and we return to picturesque establishing shots of Boulder.  Pa Tanner and Summer are seated in a little outdoor café.  Summer ponders Lauren’s amorous escapades and Pa Tanner, rather flustered, assures her that Lauren’s not interested in boys because gymnastics is her whole life.  So elite gymnasts are either lesbians or more frigid than T’Pol outside of Ponn Farr?  Good to know.  Hey, are there ever any lesbian Vulcans?  Or gays?  Because… you’d think they’d find it illogical, you know, but that’s only if they believe sex should be about procreation… I am putting far too much thought into this, aren’t I?  I can only imagine what Vulcans would think of this show. Anyway, this extremely awkward conversation about Lauren’s sex life or lack thereof culminates in Pa Tanner asking Summer to talk to Lauren.  This should go well!

“Ewww, Damon, did you just eat an entire package of Funyuns?”

Cut to Pizza Shack.  You know, I’m really hungry right now.  I could go for a pizza.  Emily and Damon are working together, because they never have shifts with anyone else.  They banter and we learn that Damon is a songwriter who likes scribbing his ideas on napkins.  I hear Pearl Jam started that way.  The scene culminates in Damon impulsively laying one on Emily, which might’ve been hot if Emily hadn’t been wearing this constipated expression throughout.  Come on, Em, he’s cute.  Try and get those four inches of wood out of your ass for a few minutes, huh?  Damon spills that Chloe said Emily had never been kissed.  Hehe.  Cut to Emily charging into Casa Kmetko, where she freaks out at Chloe for telling Damon.  This is one of the few times I find one of her emo fits sympathetic, because that is pretty mortifying for a teenager.  Damon didn’t really seem to mind, though, so maybe Em should just chill out.

“Gee, Mom, I really wanted to know about Dad’s baseball bat.”

Now we move over to Casa Cruz, and get ready for one of the most awkward mother-daughter sex talks in history.  Ronnie Cruz comes in fresh from a shopping trip, all excited about doing the fashion show with Kaylie.  Kaylie out of the blue asks her Mom how old she was when she met her Dad.  She keeps asking leading questions about sex and her mother is totally oblivious, clearly more concerned with the fashion show than with her daughter’s impending deflowerment.  Ronnie delivers another great line: Kaylie doesn’t need to worry about boys and marriage because she has her gymnastics.  This just in, guys–being a gymnast is like joining a convent!  So let me get this straight, doing the mattress dance makes Lauren a better gymnast (according to her own logic) but makes Kaylie a worse gymnast?  Color me confuddled.

Fade to Kaylie painting her toenails in her room.  Lauren charges in, bitching about Summer–a.k.a. “Churchy McChucherson”–nonstop.  Kaylie tries to distract her by confessing that she’s ready to do the horizontal tango with Carter.  Lauren gets this totally horrified look on her face, which she quickly tries to cover.  I actually feel really sorry for Kaylie here.  She seems desperately searching for guidance and has no one to choose from but her traitorous slutbomb BFF and her distracted mother.

“Oh wow, my little girl is going to model designer hooker wear!”

Commercial break!  We fade back in at Casa Cruz, where Ronnie has gathered everyone to choose their clothes for the fashion show. Emily is sulky per usual while Chloe exhuberantly sifts through one of the racks.  Ronnie’s response to Chloe’s overtures of friendship is along the lines of, “Ewww Kmetko cooties!”  Meanwhile, Lauren’s with Summer and is bitching because none of the clothes are slutty enough.  Payson complains to her Mom that she’s cancelled resistance training for this.  Ronnie comes over to Ma Keeler with a sexy, cleavagey evening gown and urges her to shed the Soccer Mom-chic and MILF it up.  Ma Keeler cracks that she never wears anything you can’t tumble dry, and I guess Sasha was right–we know where Payson gets it from! 

Lauren has a bitch fit over the clothes and storms off, but Summer catches up to her.  They have a tearful heart-to-heart in which Summer shares her dark past as the class bicycle in high school (I guess this was before she found God).  We see Summer really struggling to take on the maternal role for Lauren and it makes me wonder what kind of relationship Summer had with her own mother.  Lauren appears properly chastised, but as we will find out later in the episode, it doesn’t really sink in.

Work that Soccer Mom wear!

Fade to commercial again, and we return to see Ma Keeler prepping for the show at the venue.  Husband is still MIA but Payson is there, looking about as excited for this show as most people would be for a root canal.  They have a talk in which Ma Keeler pages her inner Tyra and tries to get Payson to embrace her femininity.  \~/ They get up on the runway and I was really hoping for a runway walk montage, but instead we just get them dancing around to Radio Disney-esque pop music.  I’m disappointed.  Is anyone going to teach them the runway walk?  When I modeled in my sorority’s charity fashion show, I taught everyone the runway walk (yes, I went to a modeling/charm class; only Heathus will judge me!  Or the smoke monster. \~/)

Fade out, then fade in to the fashion show.  Creepy Carter is taking a seat in the front row and he’s all like “Yeaaahhh, fresh underaged meat!”  Cut to backstage, where Summer happily tells Pa Tanner that she and Lauren are really connecting.  Oh, Summer, I want to like you, but you’re just so very naïve sometimes.  Smash cut to Chloe preening in front of a mirror in a truly hideous argyle halter top while Emily is totally uptight as usual.  Ronnie is paging her inner Kelly Cutrone and running around backstage. \~/ Meanwhile, Kaylie complains to Emily about her absentee Mom, who just so happens to be lurking behind a rack and totally overhears.  \~/

This is one of the few times I’m glad the 90s are over.  And ho’shit, Kaylie’s not in pink! Color me amazed.

The show is about to begin!  We start with Kaylie and Ronnie in “Urban safari,” and, as JC Penney as the look is, I have to say it beats those hideous Butterick catalog getups in the My So-Called Life mother-daughter fashion show. \~/  Kaylie makes eyes at Creepy Carter, then promptly rushes backstage to eagerly share her plans for tonight with Lauren.  Said plans, of course, include douchey flat-faced guys.  Kaylie eagerly shows off a ghastly but skankalicious sequined number.  Lauren, feeling insecure, notices Emily’s purple hooker wear dress–hand-picked by Chloe, of course–and a plan forms in her evil, evil mind.

“Check out the merch, guys, it’s a mother/daughter special!”

“Oh, shit, did I forget to unplug the iron?”

Speak of the devil, next up on the runway are Chloe and Emily, modeling some painfully Old Navy golf outfits that look like something out of SNSD’s “Gee” video. \~/  Speaking of which, can we get some K-pop in this heezy?  I’m really tired of hearing the same three or so tweeny girl power-pop songs over and over.  Summer, wearing a cute but conservative dress with requisite prim string of pearls, is appalled to find Lauren sporting Emily’s skanky purple dress.  I know, right?  Like anything of scrawny Emily’s would fit Lauren.  Lauren ditches Summer and struts the runway alone, channeling Demi Moore in Striptease.  Lauren and Summer were supposed to sport a “business casual” look and Ronnie, who doubles as MC, delivers a great line: “I’m not sure what kind of business this is!”  Oh, I think most of us are.  Lauren totally sticks her butt out in Creepy Carter’s face and he quickly looks away, sporting his uncomfortable/indigestion face. 

“Score for the Sasha-man!”

Lauren triumphantly returns backstage, where Emily has a shit fit over the stolen dress.  Meanwhile, Payson and Ma Keeler are working the runway in an evening look, and I have to say the mother totally outshines the daughter. Not because Payson isn’t a cute girl, but because she’s in this coral Macy’s Junior Department acetate number while Ma Keeler’s sporting what looks like a floor-length negligee.  Sasha’s totally excited and flashes an eager thumbs-up at Ma Keeler.  Between these two and the Kmetkos, I don’t even want to know what kind of mother-daughter fantasies this guy is entertaining.

Backstage, Emily’s shit fit continues as she storms off and packs up all her stuff.  Just imagine a repeat of the scene in the pilot when she’s injured–waaahhh wahhhh everyone at the Rock hates me waaahhh waaahhh we don’t belong waaahhh waaahhh Lauren’s a sociopathic bitch.  Chloe, of course, pep-talks her and assures her not to worry–she’ll find a way to make Lauren’s castoff “business casual” look skanky–I mean sexy!  I admit I sympathized with Chloe here, because it must be really hard having a total Zoloft Poster Child for a daughter.  I also kind of love her line to Emily about “Sometimes your peanut butter gets mixed up with your chocolate.”  Yay, Nutella! (OK, it’s hazelnut, but close enough.)  Chloe also name-checks Carrie Bradshaw and way to not research, writers.  Chloe’s totally Samantha. \~/

“Here’s Emily Kmetko, modeling the ‘I just banged a businessman and am working the walk of shame!’ look!”

Out on the runway, Kaylie gets her skank on and totally shakes it in front of Creepy Carter.  He exchanges a look with the guy next to him that’s totally like, “Yeeaahhh, someone’s gettin’ lucckkay tonight!”  Meanwhile, Ronnie looks on uneasily.  The lights dim dramatically and of course, it’s time for Emily’s Shining Sue moment!  She struts out all ho’d out in a blazer–just a blazer–red high heels, and red lipstick.  The camera lovingly catches several different angles of hobaggery while Chloe looks on with great pride–Emily will be attracting her own johns in no time!  Forget Lauren, I’m waiting for Emily to start swinging around on a pole.  Knowing her, she’d be a self-taught natural.  OT but did you guys know there are actual pole-dancing competitions?  I know, right?  They’re even thinking of petitioning to be an Olympic event.  Lauren could still get her gold medal after all!

“Look at that slut!  I hope she dies!”

The camera cuts over to Damon in the audience, and he and Emily make eyes at each other.  Lauren watches from backstage and rolls her eyes.  I feel ya, Lo.  Ronnie wraps up the fashion show and announces that Emily Sue’s “jacket-dress-thing” earned the highest bid in the silent auction.  Cut to Lauren gazing mournfully at Carter and Kaylie, and I’ve just about had enough of these three jokers. Can someone please kill Carter already?  Only ep 5 and this triangle is played out. Cut to the bar where Ma Keeler and Sasha have some more flirty time, and then we get Pa Tanner and Summer chastising Lauren over her latest stunt.  I don’t blame them.  That was weak, Lo.  To be a true sociopath, you’ve got to aim higher and knock off the petty sabotage.  You want to get Emily?  Think long con.  Just ask Jessica Wakefield.  Pa Tanner confides to Summer that Lauren’s Mom isn’t doing charity work overseas; she’s actually a junkie in rehab.  Nice!  This show doesn’t have enough coke whores.  Perhaps this is Lauren’s next storyline?

Damon comes up to Emily and we find out it was he who bid on her jacket-dress-thing.  Interesting.  Is Damon really poor?  Or is he really a trust fund brat pretending to be poor a la Ché on the OC? \~/  Or did he just blow his life savings on Emily because she’s That Special?  My money’s on Choice C, but we’ll see.  Emily and Chloe exchange a bonding moment. Lauren, ever upping the ante on her bitchery, squeals to Ronnie that Kaylie’s planning to do the wild monkey dance with Creepy Carter tonight.  Ronnie looks appropriately horrified, end scene.

Fade in to Kaylie’s room, which is all candlelit while generic sexy music plays.  She’s decked out in pink(!) lingerie and eagerly awaiting the arrival of loverboy, who comes in through the window. \~/ Kaylie dramatically tells Carter to make love to her, and somehow I’m not surprised that Fabio bodice-rippers are her reading material of choice.  Creepy Carter’s hesitant, but before the scene can progress further, Ronnie knocks on the door.  Carter hides in the closet while Kaylie attempts to cover this non-coitus interruptus by lying on the bed with a blanket and a book, probably one of said romance novels.  Given the amount of guidance this poor girl’s had as of late on sexual matters, it’s probably the only resource she had to turn to. 

You know he’s totally going to sneak back in and watch her sleep.

She and Ronnie have a heart-to-heart, and the show proceeds to make Kaylie’s decision to abstain from sex all about gymnastics, instead of say, more obvious reasons–like, it’s probably a bad idea to have sex due to (inadvertant) peer pressure from your slutbag BFF, and a cheating cheater boyfriend who is clearly not eager to buy the cow (or at least take out a long-term lease) if he can get the milk for free elsewhere. Nice job, writers.  This is a family show!  Ronnie leaves and Carter comes out of the closet (so not changing the wording) and assures Kaylie that they’ll be together forever. These two are so the Liz and Todd of this show.

We end here, and I have little more to say than I did last time.  This show still continues to demonstrate utter incompetence in dealing with teenage sexuality, and makes me long for the relative realism of 80s Degrassi.  I’m also disappointed with the way this show goes about the gymnastics elements.  For once, this disappointment is not about the stunt work.  It’s more about the fact that the non-gymnastics episodes feel more your run-of-the-mill teen soap than a show about gymnasts.  The gymnastics references in this one were shoehorned in where they weren’t really necessary–this episode could’ve just as easily worked on a Gossip Girl-esque show with Emily as Little J and Lauren as Blair (sorry, Blair), Kaylie as the generic nice girl (a more virginal Serena?), and Creepy Carter as the douchey rich boy of dubious sexual leanings (I was going to use Nate as an example, but Chace is far too pretty to be in the same sentence with Carter, so I’ll go with PC on NYC Prep).  The only girl whose plotline tied in uniquely with gymnastics was Payson, and even that was in a rather farfetched manner–I can’t see an elite coach caring that much about his protégée’s femininity.  The usual solution to gymnasts who struggle with artistry is to stick her in ballet or dance classes.  Modeling might teach a girl confidence, but I don’t see how it would help much with gymnastics.

Still, this episode brought the lulz hardcore (granted unintentionally), so I can’t really fault it for that.  And you know how I feel about fashion and modeling!  It looks like there’ll be more gymnastics in the next ep (Sasha’s ready to crush someone’s dream!) so that should be exciting.  Until next time!

2 thoughts on ““Let’s really awkwardly talk about sex, baby” or Make It or Break It 1×04, “Like Mother, Like Daughter, Like Supermodel”

  1. “Here’s Emily Kmetko, modeling the ‘I just banged a businessman and am working the walk of shame!’ look!” = AWESOME.

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