Make It or Break It 1×06: “Between a Rock and a Hard Place,” as performed by the cast of Star Trek:Enterprise

Guys, this is the most epic episode yet.  Seriously, if you only watch one ep of this show, make it this one.  So in commemoration of this epic episode, I think it deserves an epic recap.  Props to ihatewheat of the Dairi Burger for inspiring this one with her True Blood/SVH recaps. 

Don’t worry if you’re unfamiliar with Enterprise; unless you’ve been living under a rock for your entire life, I’m sure you have a vague idea of how Star Trek series work.

Previously, on Make It or Break It: Drama surrounds the big mother-daughter fashion show at the Rock.  Creepy Carter continues to string Kaylie along while Lauren propositions him to be fuck buddies.  Kaylie thinks about giving it up to Creepy Carter; awkward dialogue ensues.  Damon ups his game on Emily; it seems to be working.  Summer tearfully confesses to Lauren that she used to be the school bicycle before she found God.  Sasha and Payson’s Mom establish a rapport; Payson learns to embrace her femininity.  Oh yeah, and there’s a fashion show.

Cast

Scott Bakula Jonathan Archer as Sasha Belov
T’Pol as Payson Keeler
Hoshi Sato as Kaylie Cruz
Mirrorverse!Hoshi Sato as Lauren Tanner
Malcolm Reed as Emily Kmetko (sorry, this show doesn’t have enough chicks… someone had to gender-bend)
Charles “Trip” Tucker as Damon
Mirrorverse!T’Pol as Kelly Parker
Phlox as Steve Tanner
Crewman Cutler as Summer
Silik as Creepy Carter
T’Les as Ma Keeler
Travis Mayweather as Random Chick on Denver Team
Jhamel as Ronnie Cruz
Shran as Alex Cruz
Scott Bakula in Stunnas as Marty Walsh

ACT ONE

Look at meeee!  I can do a full-in!
You’re not consistent enough.  No full-in for you!
Marty thinks I’m top 10 material!
I’m your commanding officer!  You do as I say!
*walks in*
O hay guys, dual meet with Denver!
Yeah, but do you bitches have Kelly Parker?  Stick that up your phase pistols!

OMG, ever since Kelly won Nationals she thinks she’s a celeb… going to every diplomatic mission and space station opening.  She’s even launching her own brand of space suits!
Why doesn’t anyone ever pay attention to meeeeee?  *pouts*

*smarms his way into our line of vision*
OMG, Carter is like, the best bf ever cos he thinks Nationals is more important than getting interspecies ass!
Maybe he’s getting it somewhere else.
You bitch!
Suliban are dogs.

Marty, we must end our tragic interspecies love affair!  It would never work!
Oh, Ronnie, I will give you my best furrowed brow to show how much I miss you.

OMG Dad, I can do a layout layout!
Oh hale yeah!
I’ll just leave since everyone’s ignoring me.

*smarms his way over to chalk bin*
Carter, my interspecies love, you would never cheat on me… right?
Oh Kaylie, you’re the only human I want to have interspecies sex with!
*they clasp hands in Chalk Bin of Ill Repute*
*glares from a distance*

You don’t even care if I medal in 2212 anymore!  It’s all SUMMER SUMMER SUMMER! She isn’t going to be wife #4, is she?
Of course not!  I have no intentions to marry Summer just yet. Pacifying you so you win this meet is far more important!

*does vault, winces, massages her back* 

ACT TWO
Here, have a fresh pecan pie.  I made it just for you!
GTFO with your pecan pie, I have Nationals to worry about!  I know better than the captain does what I can do!
Well, he is your commanding officer, and he’s Jonathan Fucking Archer, OK?  You gotta recognize.
But I’m all ~mysterious~ and don’t trust anyone!  Not even Scott Bakula!
So, can I go to this meet?  I want to see you in a leotard. *wink wink*
… Well, OK, since you put it that way.

Payson, you’re icing your back!  I told the costume department you’d have back issues from those falsies!
Ma, I’m fine. Injuries are a part of starring on a show in which I wear a catsuit and huge chicken cutlets all day.  Trust me.
OK, but I’m informing the Vulcan High Command if this gets any worse.

*is once again smarming at the Chalk Bin of Ill Repute*
Carter, you need to break up with Kaylie.
But I love her!  We’re Meant2B!
Yeah, well, if she finds out that you two won’t be the first human/Suliban mating, it’ll devastate her!
*glares from a distance*

So your mother tells me you’re having back problems.  Maybe you should sit out this meet.
I can handle it, Sasha.  Phlox has been giving me cortisone shots every six months. I’ll just take another one.
Oh hale nawww, it hasn’t been six months yet!
I am so not sitting out this meet! *storms out*
It can be hard being the mother of a Starfleet officer.  Sometimes you have to make difficult decisions out here.
Like that time you let an entire species die out because to save them would interfere with their ‘natural evolution?’
Let’s not talk about that, OK?

You can keep being a sociopathic bitch to me all day, but I’m not going anywhere.
Oh, yeah?  Well, Daddy says he’ll never marry you! Suck on that!

Hey Carter, can I see you a minute?
*smarms into the Ready Room*
You better stay away from my crew members or I’m throwing your Suliban ass outside the nearest airlock after I lay smackdown so epic even your scales will hurt, you hear?
*smarms out*

OMG, why do you have a scale in our quarters?
Kaylie needs to stay motivated!  No boyfriends for her!
Don’t you think that sometimes she wants to be a normal Starfleet officer?
Normal is for pussies!  This is space!  Have you forgotten what it’s like to have a dream?
*gazes longingly at her platinum record* I haven’t.

So Lauren says will never marry me.  Unless you can show me some respect and stop kissing your daughter’s ass with hopes she might mistake you for a good parent, I’m out of here!
Don’t go!  *gets down on one knee* Summer, will you be wife #4?
*all the creatures in sickbay applaud*

*on communicator* Oh, Marty, I would give anything to have your arms around me right now…
*bursts in* OMG you are totally stepping out with Marty!
Oh yeah?  Well, if you tell your father, I’ll tell him you’re getting hot Suliban lovin’ with Carter!
*gasp* You wouldn’t!

*shapeshifts his way into Kaylie’s quarters*
*crying* OMG Carter, my Mom just totally blackmailed me!  She said she’ll tell Dad about us if I tell him about her and Marty!
OMG, your Mom’s banging Marty??
I know, right?
Well, here’s a necklace my mother once owned. She said to give it to the girl I’ll be with ~forever~ even while I’m banging her skanky BFF.
Oh, Carter!
*hot interspecies makeoutage, during which Carter crosses his fingers behind his back*

ACT THREE
So your Dad totally proposed last night. And I said yes.

So how does it feel to be the less hot version of me?
Yeah well, while you’re skanking around the mirror!verse I’ve been kicking ass here, bad wig or not.
*struts over* You know, that bad bleach job really suits you, Kelly.
*swans off*

Watch me kick my feet in the air!  I am the most badass beamer ever!
I’m so badass, I can do two different vaults in a single cleverly edited one!
Oh, yeah?  Well, my stunt double doesn’t suck ass anymore!  Eat that!
I will beat you all with my BHS-layout stepoutx2 combo and dismount!
Watch my totally twee floor choreo with music containing vocals and no tumbling!  I’m the best floor worker evar!
*does bar routine*
Screw all y’all bitches, I’ve got Courtney Kupets doing my bars!
Yeah?  Well, I won a silver on floor last year with my whip 1/2-front full pass–oh shit, out-of-bounds!  Even if I did the same pass twice and in the real world would receive no credit for it anyway!

Shit, you bitches better not fuck up on vault.
I love this ‘verse, where a Yurchenko full gets a 15.7!  Even though it hasn’t actually been competitive at this level for so long, the last time this recapper saw one, we were still rockin’ the 10!
*limps away in severe pain*
Payson, your back!  We have to take you out of the competition.
No!  I’m beating the less hot version of me!  Cortisone shot!

So Emily, where is your Southern loverboy, huh?
OMG he’s totally not my loverboy!  Even if we did get trapped in a shuttle and huddle together and then got chained to a post in only our regulation blue skivvies by couple of alien skanks and act totally homoerotic!

*actually does something on floor*  Eat that, bitches!  Courtney Kupets FTW!
O RLY?  Well, I got Courtney playing me on bars!
Oh, shit.
Screw Dad and that bitch Summer.  I’ll throw the meet and fuck over the whole team, just to piss him off! *eats mat on bars*
I’m doing the full-in, Coach!
Oh hale nawww, we’ve already had two fuck-ups.  You ain’t gonna be number three.
*faceplants on full-in*
Oh Heathus Christ, this dumb bitch.

*slinks into office*  Coach I’m so sorry!  It’ll never happen again!
Damn straight, it won’t.  No Nationals for you!
But you can’t do this!  I’m Mary Sue!

I’m sorry I couldn’t come today.
Whatever.  I don’t even like pecan pie.
Razor sent me a postcard and made me feel totally guilty even though you and he had like, three convos.  And he doesn’t have my Southern charm.
Well, what you did was still shitty.  You were supposed to be my friend!  What about our bonding in Shuttlepod One?  Does that mean nothing to you?
See, that’s the thing. I don’t think I can just be your friend.
*broody stare*


FADE OUT

Images stolen from Trekcore, Memory Alpha, and google

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