Sorry for the delay, guys. Lots of stuff going on offline in the past week, plus I was distracted by actual Nationals. Woo hoo! OK so anyway, I bring you “All’s Fair in Love, War, and Gymnastics:” A Screencap Recap!
Previously, on Make it or Break It: Sasha kicks Emily out of the gym after her stunt at the Invitational. Fans of good technique and good acting cheer, but sadly, it doesn’t last. Much creepy Daddy issue sexual tension later, Emily’s back on the team. Meanwhile, Lauren ups the creepy quotient in her Carter stalking and I’m starting to wonder which one is more pyscho here. Oh, and we get more Emily/Damon flirting to the extent that even non-shippers wish they’d just shut up and bang already. Maybe Emily will grow some boobs then.
|EMILY: OMG, Mom, are those all bills?
CHLOE: Yeah, and that’s only to cover my Forever 21 purchases!
EMILY: Don’t worry, you save lots of money on food, seeing as you are clearly not feeding me.
|KAYLIE: OMG, I can’t believe my Mom cheated on my Dad with Marty! Cheaters are evil, evil people who should die!
KAYLIE: Oh, no, it’s my Dad! I gotta hide! *ducks down in the seat*
|EMILY: Oh hey, check out my floor routine! I posted it on youtube and already got 100 comments!
SASHA: You want judges to take you seriously? You do not use shitty Simple Plan-soundalike music and yes, I know this is redundant! I’m choreographing a new routine to this generic classical music for you!
EMILY: But Sasha, that’s so tragically unhip! I won’t get any comments on that!
SASHA: Do you want me to kick your bony ass out of this gym again?
UGLY ORANGE LEO: Oh hai!
|PAYSON’S STUNT DOUBLE: *does Arabian double front with cowboy, flexed feet, low landing, and constipated expression* (OK, not sure if this last one is deductable).
PAYSON: *doubles over in pain* Oh no, the cortisone is wearing off already!
SASHA: No more practice for you!
|NICK: Hey babe, I’ve had my eye on you for a while. Back problems, huh?
PAYSON: Well, that’s one of the more interesting ways a guy’s hit on me.
NICK: I can get you a little something to tide you over between cortisone shots. *wink, wink*
PAYSON: OK, now you have my attention.
NICK: Check this out.
NICK’S STUNT DOUBLE: *does pommel horse routine*
|CARTER: *skulks in background*
LAUREN: So Kaylie, how’re things going with Carter?
KAYLIE: OMG, if my Dad ever found out, it would be the end.
LAUREN: *gasp* No!
KAYLIE: I know, right? But since the writers think our audience has a collective IQ of 80, we apparently need to spell shit out. Multiple times.
|SUMMER: Lauren, I was thinking of getting this dress for you for my wedding! Will you be my maid of honor?
LAUREN: No way, I am so not dressing like some lame Disney cosplayer.
SUMMER: Says the chick wearing a puke-green mylar balloon.
LAUREN: Whatever, I’ll be staying at the Cruzes’ this week if anyone needs me. Easier to wreak havoc that way, muahahaha!
|EMILY: OMG Damon, you can’t just show up here whenever you want!
DAMON: You missed your shift at the Shack last night, and it seemed like too much trouble to just call, so I walked my ass all the way over to your gym instead. But hey–hot chicks in leotards!
EMILY: I’m so stressed out this week and I don’t have time for friends!
DAMON: I don’t make friends easily. I just strut about and try to pass myself off as the new Luke Perry. Later, babe.
|PAYSON: Oh hey Mom, can I have $100 for a new dress for the Cruzes’ party?
MA KEELER: OMG, you’re buying a dress! This wouldn’t have anything to do with that hot piece of jailbait Nick, would it?
PAYSON: Ew, Mom, no way! *crosses fingers behind back*
MA KEELER: Well, your father’s away and I have to keep myself occupied somehow, you know?
PAYSON: This is way too much info.
|LAUREN: And now I will push Britney’s new fashion line, available at your friendly neighborhood Kohl’s, because the 341234321 commercials shown throughout this broadcast are clearly not enough product placement!|
|KAYLIE: *leaves room*
LAUREN: *busts out Carter’s cell phone (conveniently labeled CARTER’S CELL PHONE in case he forgot, but given the intellect Carter’s shown so far, he probably would)*
LAUREN: Muahahaha, I feel an evil plan coming on!
|BRIAN: Mom, nobody in their right mind is going to pay for this shit.
CHLOE: Please, people bought Lauren Conrad’s novel!
BRIAN: You bought it.
CHLOE: My point exactly!
|EMILY: Mom, I need money for our expensive-ass Nationals leos. Fork it over.
CHLOE: Haven’t we saved enough on your wardrobe, which clearly hasn’t been updated since 1985?
CHLOE: *picks up phone* Hey, dude named Joe whom the viewer knows is dodgy because I’m hitting him up for money! This never ends well, but what’s yet another clichéd plotline?
|PAYSON: Hey Kaylie, can I borrow a dress?
KAYLIE: Oh sure, I’ve got just the one. My Mom got it for me in the wrong size. It’s totally too big but I bet it’d fit you!
PAYSON: Gee, thanks, Kay.
KAYLIE: No problem!
|SUMMER: Hey all! I brought food I made myself like the good Christian girl I am!
LAUREN: Oh great, this scene just got even more contrived.
PAYSON and KAYLIE: *leave*
SUMMER: I’m breaking off my engagement to your Dad. I’m also here to deliver another story from my past that is very dramatic and relevant to your situation right now, so we can bond more.
LAUREN: *sigh* Am I ever going to get any good plotlines in here?
|PA CRUZ: Oh hey Lauren, let me show you the present I got for Kaylie. I made it from the diamonds in my World Series ring. Isn’t it shiny?
LAUREN: Yeah, real shiny, Mr. C. So much better than that cheap Kmetko-worthy one she’s wearing now.
PA CRUZ: I know, right? What loser gave that to her?
LAUREN: Noooo idea.
|RONNIE: Oh noes! I burned the food! Let’s totally get drunk!
CHLOE: Sounds good to me.
RECAPPER: Sounds good to me, too!
|CARTER: I wuv you Kaylie!
KAYLIE: No, I wuv you more!
LAUREN: I’m going to go barf now.
KAYLIE: No! You have to stay! Otherwise it’ll look suspicious!
LAUREN: True, and how else can I make awkward passes at Carter while Kaylie continues to display the intellect of a Hills cast member? But then, even Audrina caught on to Justin Bobby faster.
|EMILY: OMG Mom, you’re drinking! You never drink!
CHLOE: Considering who my daughter is, it’s amazing, isn’t it?
EMILY: It’s about money, isn’t it?
CHLOE: OK fine, I borrowed some from Joe.
EMILY: JOE? How could you?? Why couldn’t you just pull money out of your ass instead? OMG I’m so disappointed in you! Couldn’t you come through just once?
CHLOE: Look, just because you look 35 doesn’t give you the right to act like my Mom!
|LAUREN: *Puts Carter’s phone next to Kaylie’s present which is very unstealthily left on the bathroom counter where any guest who stumbles in to puke or pee can swipe it*|
|NICK: Hey Payson, looking good! I always did have a thing for the Sweet Valley twins.
PAYSON: Gee, thanks! So where are we making the trade?
NICK: Um, I’m starting to feel like I’m your drug dealer.
PAYSON: Well, you are.
NICK: True, but we have sell some chemistry since I’m your new love interest and all.
|MA KEELER: I’m on to you, Missy. Ronnie told me you borrowed this dress from Kaylie. Why’d you lie?
PAYSON: I’m sorry Mom. I um… lost the money. It just fell right out of my gym bag. I didn’t want to worry you.
MA KEELER: I wish you’d been honest with me. I’d have prevented you from wearing one of Laura Ashley’s rejects!
EMILY: OMG Damon, you have to quit stalking me! How can I be all angsty and standoffish if you won’t let me sulk in peace?
DAMON: I’m here to deliver pizza, bitch. It’s not all about you. For one scene, anyway.
EMILY: How can you say that? The whole show is about me!
DAMON: *walks away*
|CHLOE: Ohhh hayyy Shasha! Why arree there twoo of you? Actuallyyy, that could be funnnn!
SASHA: That’s it, Ms. K. I’m cutting you off.
|PAYSON: OK, let’s make the exchange and flirt awkwardly. Here’s the money.
NICK: This one’s on the house. You can repay me in other ways post Nationals *wink wink*
|RONNIE: OK guys, speech time!
PA CRUZ: *holds out phone* You want to explain this, Kaylie!
KAYLIE: But you don’t understand! I love him!
|CARTER: We’re totally the Romeo and Juliet of gymnastics!
PA CRUZ: Bitch, please. I can see my daughter risking her career for Leonardo, but you?
CARTER: That was way harsh, Mr. C.
PA CRUZ: I tell it like I see it.
|CARTER: *throws punch*
PA CRUZ: I’ma smack your punk ass into an even lamer show!
KAYLIE: Quick! Go! We can’t afford to hire another actor at this point!
|LAUREN: Carter, wait! Let us flee Verona together!
CARTER: Are you for real?
LAUREN: But I love youuuuuu!
CARTER: You are one crazy ass bitch! I’m outta here!
|CHLOE: Sasha, this is horrible! My daughter hates me even though I only borrowed money from my creeper ex to pay for her ass!
SASHA: I’m sorry. But if it helps, our recapper hates her, too. If the ex gives you trouble I will totally kick his ass for you.
SASHA: Really. And you’re totally the hottest gym Mom.
CHLOE: Awww, thanks!
|JOE: Hello, Sydney–I mean, Chloe.
CHLOE: I told you not to call me! Where are you?
JOE: *knock knock*
CHLOE: Oh, shit.
|EMILY: Damon, I’m sorry I was such a bitch to you, except I’m a Mary Sue, so it’s not my fault.
DAMON: I am going to bash Coldplay now because it’s what all the ~cool~ hipsters do.
EMILY: I bet Luke Perry hates Coldplay.
DAMON: Well, I’m off to L.A. since some producer wants to record my songs.
EMILY: Damon, you can’t go! You’re the one of the few decent characters on this show!
DAMON: I know, but we need to inject some angst into this somehow. We can’t keep cockblocking the audience forever!
|RONNIE: It’s OK, honey, it’ll blow over eventually.
KAYLIE: But you don’t understand! I love him! He gave me his Necklace of Luv! We’re going to be together forever!
RONNIE: *tries to talk sense into Kaylie and fails*
KAYLIE: *continues her Jade Barbosa impression*
|LAUREN: I need someone to talk to and I’ve got no one left but you!
SUMMER: *hugs her* It’s OK, Lauren. We can do some bonding now. And our recapper still loves you!