I’m back, bitches! I know you are all glad to see me again. I do apologize for being gone so long. School is an even bigger bitch than Kelly Parker. Man, and what a way to welcome me back. Two new episodes of Make It or Break It, ripe for the snarking!
I fear these recaps won’t be as long and detailed as the usual, for two reasons: a) time constraints and b) I just could not bring myself to watch this fecal matter a second time. I’m sorry. I thought my masochism knew no limits, but I’ve finally found a limit. I also warn you that I’m not feeling particularly witty tonight, and I will be as grouchy and snarky as Emily Prentiss:
Treasure that clip, you guys, because the amounts of win inside it are rapidly going to be eclipsed by the epic fail that follows.
So we open with a clip of the Rockettes at practice, wearing the same damn ugly leos they always do, when in walks Payson and her stunt double to perform a bar routine that actually isn’t bad. Everyone’s all wwwooowwww and then they all cheer. The truly sad part is that knowing how ridiculous this show is, I really wasn’t sure if it was a dream sequence or not. O SNAP SPOILER. Yes, next we see Payson waking up in her room, sporting some hardware that looks like it’s on loan from C3PO or a TLC video. I have to give it to Payson, she displays a cute PJ collection during this ep. Cut to the kitchen, where her ‘rents worry about her healing process. But Payson comes out all chipper like and assuring everyone she’s fine, and wants to watch the parade.
A parade, you say? Yes, Boulder throws a parade for the gymnasts who went to Nationals. I’m starting to think Boulder in the MIOBI-verse is kind of like Sweet Valley, with the Rockettes as the Wakefields. You know how SVH has a party or dance like every weekend? Well, Boulder throws a parade or party every time one of the Rockettes goes to the bathroom all by herself. So we see Payson smiling and watching the parade while Kaylie smiles and waves and rides on the float with Nick the drug dealer. Emily and Lauren have to wear these fireman hats (what?) and throw candy at people. Lauren’s sitting there the whole time munching candy and complaining. OK, bullshit. Everyone knows gymnasts don’t eat. Payson apparently can’t stand it anymore either and heads out for a nap (oh, man, I’m right there with ya, Pay), and we see her hobble painfully back to her room on a walker, much like this episode’s plot.
Meanwhile, the mayor hands Kaylie a big key and declares it Kaylie Cruz day. Heathus H. Christ, writers. Only Olympians and American Idol contestants get holidays, don’t you know anything? We get a glimpse of Carter’s ugly mug in the crowd and I think Pandora here sums up our feelings quite nicely:
So Lauren goes up to Creepy Carter after in a truly pathetic bid to flirt with him. Are you serious, Lo? You are one pathetic woman and this is coming from your number one stan. Granted you’re still the most interesting character in this bowel movement, but you are still pathetic. Naomi from Lost goes up to Kaylie and informs her of her busy schedule because national gymnastics champions in a non-Olympic year instantly reach Miley Cyrus status of celebrity, and I feel dirty just typing that. Kaylie complains that said schedule interrupts her moping around over Carter and uttering painfully awkward dialogue. Next the girls have to sign autographs, during which Kaylie and Lauren snipe back and forth and Emily looks as bored by it as I feel.
Back at Casa Keeler, Payson suggests the family move back to Minnesota with Goodwin/Pa Keeler. Damn, Payson, you sure you injured your back and not your head? Back at the parade, we get some Emily/Damon times during which he invites her to something called the Starlight Lounge and they make out. Meanwhile, Lauren goes up to Sasha to talk to him about Carter, and you know that crazy bitch is planning something.
Back at Casa Keeler, the Kmetkos come to visit Payson. Chloe is tacky per usual, wearing a leopard-print hoodie that would make Katie Fitch green with envy, and wow, my first reference to another show I’d rather be watching! I really am back. Emily cheers Payson up by whipping out some playing cards. Yeah, I can’t even make a joke about snorting that. At the rock, Kaylie and Lauren exchange more snipes while practicing against a backdrop of generic pop-rap. I kind of love Lauren’s beam choreo. I think she even snaps her fingers at some point. She attempts “the Tanner,” a move which involves a switch leap into a front tuck into an assplant. Nice. Not sure if she’ll get much bonus from that, though. Kaylie goes up next and eats it on a back handspring step-out. Ladies and gents, our national champ! Nick comes over and makes some awkward convo about Payson, the dialogue awkwardly shoehorning in a cortisone reference. Fuck cortisone, I could use some vicodin right about now. With some vodka to wash it down.
Later on, Lauren goes over to visit Payson and arrives when Nick is still there. Lauren walks up to Payson’s room and eavesdrops outside the door while Nick talks about his drug dealing ways. Payson tells him she threw away the first vial and the second is in her locker. Damn, Pay, you could probably have gotten some mad street value off of it. Although honestly, I’m not sure what cortisone goes for on the street. She should’ve asked for vicodin. Anyway, once the drug talk is over Lauren walks in all sunshine and happiness. Yeah, I’ll bet. Bitch is never happy unless she’s hatching some evil scheme.
Over at the Rock, Sasha re-instates Creepface because his girlfriend apparently came forward to apologize for her conduct and promise not to see him again. Well, I would have no trouble keeping to that promise, myself. Creepface goes up to Kaylie to thank her, and Kaylie’s like, “Dude, WTF? I didn’t bail your smarmy ass out.” Lauren comes over and Creepface infers that it was her. She continues her pathetic bid to ingratiate herself to him, and I think I might have to bust out that Panda gif again. Naomi (fuck it, I can’t be arsed to remember her name) calls Kaylie over to do a live interview. Kaylie tries to blow her off and Naomi’s all like, “Tough shit, you’re a rock star now.” Kaylie does the interview and totally tanks it. Nastia Liukin would be ashamed.
Kaylie goes over to visit Payson and whines about how hard it is being national champ. Shockingly, Payson isn’t all that sympathetic. She makes a big show of painfully hauling herself out of bed and strapping on her neck brace, then basically tells Kaylie to shut up; no one cares. Kaylie runs off crying and Payson’s parents are concerned. Pa Keeler comes in to talk to Payson, assuring her it’s OK to let it out now that she’s lost something she loves. Hotch and JJ did it better.
Emily reports to the Pizza Shack for her hot date with Damon. The Starlight Lounge turns out to be the roof of the Shack decorated in Christmas lights. O HAY THAR I’D HAVE NEVER SEEN THAT ONE COMING. But the lulz do come thick and heavy when–le gasp!–Razor returns, fresh off the cancellation of his CW train wreck The Beautiful Life with Mischa Barton. Oh, Nico Tortellini, where is your dignity now? Probably the same place Thomas Gibson’s and John Cho’s were when they did The Flintstones: Viva Rock Vegas. Razor looks and acts so absurdly tool-a-licious I just can’t even make fun of it. I can only sit here cringing in secondhand embarrassment. I’m also cracking up at him being so offended by Damon and Emily. What the hale, Razor? You and Em had like, three conversations at the Shack or something? What is this, Twilight? Edward Cullen is probably his idol. Side bets on Razor watching Emily sleep tonight? Anyone? Pizza rolls?
Meanwhile at Casa Keeler, Payson gets her Marissa Cooper on and starts smashing all her trophies. It wakes up the ‘rents, but Pa Keeler assures his wife that Payson needs to get it all out. Hilariously, they just stand there watching her wreck the place while Ma Keeler hugs and comforts Becca, who seems scared as hell. Poor Becca. Next morning, Ma Keeler and Payson have a heart-to-heart in which Ma Keeler assures Payson there will always be a place for her at the Rock. Hmmm, I wonder if Payson might possibly take up coaching? Guys, I’ve watched Friday Night Lights. Stop insulting my intelligence. Payson and Street should hook up. Fanfiction, anyone? A pizza roll to anyone who writes me some Payson/Street fanfic!
At the Rock, Creepface slurms over to Kaylie and tries to chat her up, but gets shut down. Lauren makes another pathetic bid to endear herself to him which flops miserably. Meanwhile, Emily and Chloe are just standing around chilling against a beam and talking about boys, which I’m sure happens in elite gyms every day. Chloe encourages Emily to tell Damon to ask her to wait for him. Payson makes her glorious return, everyone welcomes her back, and oh yeah, DJ Tanner is now managing the gym while Ma Keeler is on leave, which is their latest justification for keeping her around, I suppose. Steve Tanner has been conspicuously absent during this whole debacle. I am sorely disappointed. I can’t speak for everyone watching this train wreck, but his fabulously slimy self was one of the highlights. I suppose I can hardly blame him for wanting to limit his field time. Payson and Kaylie have a heart-to-heart later, and I know I’ve commented excessively on how these girls seem to do everything at practice but actually practice, but… yeah. Don’t they ever actually practice? Payson confesses to Kaylie that she’s having difficulty being with her because of her rage and resentment over Kaylie winning Nationals in light of everything Payson has lost. This scene actually works for me, and might have been nice as part of a better show. That’s the whole trouble with MIOBI. Occasionally they come through with a nice scene that feels genuine, but it’s surrounded by so much trite microwaved shit that I can’t properly appreciate it.
That night, Nick the drug dealer sneaks into the gym and tries to get into Payson’s locker, but Evil Lauren shows up to coldly inform him that she has his drugs. At least Lauren knows where it’s at. I wonder what street corner she plans to push cortisone on. I could make a crack about selling other goods, but I won’t. See how nice I am? The clear implication as that she’s about to blackmail Nick, although we never find out exactly what for. Hey, can he take a hit out on Carter? I’d be fully in support of that.
We end with Emily running to the bus station, arriving just in time to catch Damon. They have a heartfelt convo in which Emily tells him to ask her to wait for him. I know I keep saying this, and I swear this is the last time (in this recap, anyway), but… Pacey and Joey did it better.
(Skip to about 8:19; but keep watching for some wonderful acting from the Beek)
Aaaaaaaand that’s all, folks. Oh, MIOBI. I wish I knew how to quit you.
As you can tell by this recap, I’ve recently become obsessed with Criminal Minds, so look for those GQ mofos to make an appearance in a future recap. I’ve also become obsessed with Jersey Shore (I clearly have no shame) and was thinking of recapping it as well. Yeah, I know, not YA, but it’s awesome and probably attracts much of the same fan base, so I thought I’d put that out there. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it’s poll time!