This is just going to be a quick and dirty one. OH SHOW, I WISH I KNEW HOW TO QUIT YOU.
I finally had a chance to catch up on MIOBI, and it’s crackier than ever. I was seriously LOLing my ass off before we even made it through the first scene. The “Rock Rebels” are doing a photoshoot in faux-leather leotards and fishnests. I cannot make this shit up, dammit. I love how gymnasts in this show are treated like celebs. Meanwhile, Payson’s still around and training for Worlds. Her stunt work would suggest otherwise. Amidst this buoyant atmosphere, Ellen Beals, the Sue Sylvester wannabe national team leader, shows up to tell them they’re all suspended and Emily’s still out of a scholarship.
So Payson’s big arc is how, during her downtime, she supposedly grew an inch and went through puberty. We are then subjected to a heartfelt talk with her mother, who second-guesses if Payson should be in a sport that requires her to have the body of a nine-year-old girl. This would all have so much more resonance if they hadn’t hired an actress with more T&A than the Girls Next Door. Payson wants to petition back onto the national team, but Sasha feels that she isn’t ready for Worlds yet. Yet through this all, I still find Payson by far the most tolerable character, and it’s always her plotlines that remind me this is supposed to be a show about gymnastics.
Lauren is still boffing Carter and suffering delusions of him being her Edward Cullen, even though he seems embarrassed to be seen with her, makes her choose between him and Kaylie, and generally treats her like a pet. Actually, aside from the whole fuck buddies thing, this is a strikingly accurate comparison. There is a pretty lolarious scene when Lauren shows up at Pizza Shack in a trench coat and stilettos and flashes him, and his response is to tell her to take out the trash. Keepin’ it classy, these two. Lauren, jealous of Kaylie’s fame and prestige, later blurts out that Carter chose her. Yeah, Lauren, way to brag about the fact that he’s getting the milk without buying the cow. I’d almost feel sorry for Lauren if the writers weren’t so intent on making her come across as a desperate whore.
Chloe Kmetko is still dressing like a bargain basement Katie Fitch and dating Steve Tanner. Steve offers to help her out financially but she refuses. I still grudgingly kind of like Chloe, even if she is dumb as a box of rocks. Emily doesn’t do much in this episode but worry over her scholarship. Sasha continues to do fuck all in this ep but give cheesy inspirational speeches, and his being this amazing European coach is looking more and more like an informed ability. R.I.P, hardass Sasha. The writing on this show is about as consistent its stars’ acting ability.
The Rockettes go to Ellen Beals to plead their case. She asks them with whom their loyalties lie, the Force or the Dark Side. When a sufficient amount of sucking up has been accomplished, the Rockettes’ pleas actually work and get them un-suspended. Ellen sends Payson, Kaylie and Emily to a meet in France. Kaylie is ranked #1 and playground prodigy Emily is now #3. You keep bringing the gritty realism, show. Ms. Beals, however, adds, “And none for Lauren Tanner.” Ouch. Lauren throws a bitch fit which amounts to nothing and demands her Dad pull strings to get her on the team.
So Steve meets Ellen at the same “swanky restaurant” set used for his and Chloe’s date earlier in the ep, where they strike a deal. Steve will work to get Belov out of gymnastics while Ellen takes Lauren to France as an alternate and re-instates Emily’s scholarship. Ellen asks Steve why he GAFs about Emily, and I have to say she has a point. Any self-respecting gym Dad would jump at a chance to take out the competition, regardless of whether or not he’s boffing said girl’s Mom.
Beals informs Emily that she has a scholarship again, and that she’s going to France. Chloe squeals in excitement and mentions that Damon is touring in Europe. BECAUSE EUROPE IS REALLY TINY, YOU GUISE. I’m sure Em and Damon will just like, bump into each other! …No, really. Considering what we’re watching, can there be any other outcome? We close with an extremely cheesealicious Emily/Damon montage over an acoustic pop ballad.
Oh, MIOBI, I did not realize how I’ve missed you. Nastia’s ep is up next. This should be a good time.