may the odds of drama, backbiting, scheming, and bitchiness be ever in our favor!

My apologies for being remiss in my Make It or Break It recapping duties. The past few episodes have been kind of meh. But have no fear. 3×05 is pure gold. Such gold, in fact, it has inspired a very special recap.

Presenting…

WARNING FOR MILD HUNGER GAMES SPOILERS

Our Tributes:

Our Staff:

Regina Turner, Head Gamemaker

Coach McIntyre, Mentor

Sheila Parker, Publicity

And me? Well, I’m your reliable narrator, of course!

Now let’s begin, shall we?

Training, day one:
Tributes draw numbers to determine the order in which they will compete. First day: District 5 and some other assholes no1curr about. Second day: Districts 1 and 12 and some other assholes no1curr about. Curfew instated to keep tributes in line.

Head gamemaker Regina expresses concern to Coach McIntyre over tributes’ mental states. She’s just said a mouthful there. Coach M assures her that he has them all under control. Receives text message that a tribute just broke curfew.

Said tribute is Payson Keeler, District 12. She was assisted by her fellow tribute Lauren, who distracted the security guard with a truly ridiculous story. Note to gamemakers: paying guards with bread crusts and Red Bull does not attract the most qualified individuals. Find another way to address this year’s budget cuts. Tribute Payson apparently broke curfew to see one Rico Suave, who is apparently her new “boo thang.”

As punishment for their actions, both District 1 tributes will compete on day one instead of day two.

It seems two other tributes, Jordan and Wendy of District 5, witnessed the District 12 tributes breaking curfew. It is unknown at this time whether or not they are Coach M’s informants.

Training, day two:

Sheila Parker, mother of Kelly Parker and all-around terrifying individual, arrives at training camp and attempts ingratiate herself to the head gamemaker. Regina, who has surely seen it all by now, is unimpressed. Sheila then disturbs the tributes by laying the pressure on her daughter and intimating to Jordan her assumption that she and Coach M are related, since all black people must be related. Note to gamemakers: really, security is not the place to make budget cuts.

Regina informs Coach M that a tribute in China has a huge skill, and that they need a big skill themselves in order to compete. Coach M suggests Jordan’s triple-back dismount on bars, but this does not satisfy Regina. Apparently, Jordan also has a skill known as the “Layout Jordan” that she has not performed in years. Regina refers to fallen tribute Emily Kmetko by mentioning that the last time they “took a chance on an unfocused, obstinate gymnast,” it backfired.

Lauren accuses Jordan of being the mole. Jordan delivers the classic line of America’s Next Top Model fame: “I’m not here to make friends.” So iconic is this line, that it has survived centuries into the future. R.I.P. Tyra Banks, hero and inspiration to much of the Capitol’s citizens.

Reports come in of a disturbance at the District 12 dorm room. Surveillance camera footage reveals that Sheila sneaked into the room, scared Kaylie, and proceeded to “concern troll” her about her eating disorder (this is the report’s exact wording, not mine). Note to training center management: do not use colorblind Avoxes to make up tributes’ rooms.

It appears that the tributes of District 1 and 12 have formed an alliance. They gather in the dorm common room, discussing the problem of Jordan. They feel she will be a difficult tribute to take down. Kaylie shows a soft spot toward Kelly by not telling her what her insane mother did earlier. Interested in how this dynamic will play out in the arena.

Training, day 3:

Jordan is still not consistent enough on the triple back. Coach M encourages her to throw the Layout Jordan in the games, despite not training the skill for years (at least, it seems safe to assume so, since her refusal to perform it suggests that she hasn’t been training it). Jordan refuses, suggesting a Yurchenko Full as her power move instead. Note to gamemakers: Have we integrated time travel into this years’ games? I don’t believe this skill has been competitive since the early 1990s.

During downtime, Payson was seen wandering the grounds with Rico Suave. One must wonder why, since she is able to see him so easily during the day, she risked punishment by breaking curfew before. Perhaps it doesn’t matter. Her unpredictable and out-of-character behavior may be interesting in the arena. The couple has a spat when Rico advises Payson to keep Lauren’s secret. Couple drama is always a great part of the games!

The Games, day one:

The tributes perform in dramatically dim lighting. Note to gamemakers: Is this another consequence of budget cuts? Tribute Payson has a panic attack and envisions Lauren blacking out during her routine and meeting a grisly end. She hastily blabs to the gamemakers, wishing to save her fellow tribute from this unfortunate fate.

The gamemakers, unhappy at the idea of a tribute taking themselves out before anyone else can, eject Lauren from the games.

Later, Payson, upset at her betrayal of her fellow tribute, turns to Kaylie for comfort. The two form a truce after the recent tension between them. Meanwhile, tribute Wendy pays a visit to Kelly’s dorm room, and Kelly finds out that Sheila has plans to represent Wendy as her agent.

The Games, day two:

Jordan and Wendy of District 5 perform. Jordan stumbles on her landing of the triple back, and Regina orders her to do the Layout Jordan. When Jordan refuses, Regina threatens to eject her from the games. Jordan flounces out of the gym. Regina declares, “It’s Emily Kmetko all over again.” Note to gamemakers: What happened to the force field that will fry anything that crosses it? These budget cuts are getting a bit ridiculous.

Kelly and Kaylie of District 12 also perform today. As they wait their turn, Kelly tearfully confesses to Kaylie what a sociopathic freakshow her mother is. Kaylie comforts and encourages her, and I wonder if perhaps they are the love story of this year’s games. This is also the moment when I know that Kelly will not survive the day’s competition. It is unfortunate, as I rather liked KP. She will be missed.

Kelly and Kaylie perform while a dramatic and inspiring pop song swells in the background. It is clearer than ever from this montage that KP’s time in the games is up. It is a noble end.

The gamemakers confer in Coach M’s office. There’s a token Asian who seems to have descended from 21st-century Korean pop mogul JYP. If time travel is indeed part of the games, JYP would make an excellent candidate for gamemaker. His plastic pants are very stylish!

The Games, day three:

Payson and Rico Suave make up. Nothing like tragedy to bring star-crossed lovers together!

Speaking of star-crossed lovers, the sad but not unexpected fate of Kaylie and Kelly is revealed. Both Payson and Kaylie survived the games, but Kelly did not. Neither did a few randoms from other districts, but we don’t care about them.

Kelly has made peace with her loss, but Sheila will not go nearly so quietly. The drama and batshititude reach critical mass when she arrives. First, she accuses Coach M of giving Jordan preferential treatment because she’s black. Next, in true villain fashion, Sheila spills her diabolical plan of using Wendy to get information to snitch to Coach M. Wendy conveniently appears in time to witness the fallout. Kelly fires Sheila as her mother and she, Payson, and Kaylie walk off in disgust. Sheila is left with Wendy, who sneeringly tells her that she was actually using her as the snitch. Sheila very creeptastically warns Wendy to watch her back. Don’t be eating those berries, Wendy.

The star-crossed lovers of District 12 part tearfully. Although sad to be leaving training camp, Kelly is also glad to leave gymnastics behind her and move on with her life. She is apparently going to stay with her Dad now. Jordan talks to Coach M, who reveals she had the highest score of all the tributes in the games. Wow, these gamemakers are really going soft this year. Gone are the days when it took shooting an arrow through an apple to impress them!

For all the viewers out there wondering what became of Lauren, here is an update. Apparently, she has deteriorated extremely quickly as she is currently in the Capitol hospital with an IV drip. Kaylie and Payson go to visit their fellow fallen tribute, but Lauren, still furious at Payson for her betrayal, kicks her out. Kaylie stays with Lauren while Payson runs to Rico Suave for comfort.

Thus the 3rd Annual MIOBI games come to a dramatic end! Wasn’t that exciting, everyone? I don’t know about you, but I sure was on the edge of my seat! But the real excitement may still be to come! Though fate may have cruelly torn apart our District 12 tributes, we have yet to see how it will play out for those of District 1. I suspect this isn’t the last we’ve seen of Lauren—and I, for one, certainly hope not!

Until next year, and may the odds of drama, backbiting, scheming, and bitchiness be ever in our favor!

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