TV Recap: Shadowhunters S01E04: “Raising Hell” or “Gerard was da sexiest guy eva!”

Another week, another shitshow!

Oh wait, I forgot to be excited.

So we open with Clary having a nightmare about the time Magnus wiped her memories. She awakens to find Jace at her bedside and calls him by name, but apparently she’s still dreaming and it turns out to be Simon. Awkward. Clary tells Simon about her nightmare and wants to know how he’s doing. They exchange some dramatic “you’re all I have left” type talk while Jace listens in outside Clary’s door. After hearing the most love triangle-fueling bits of the exchange, Jace walks away.

Simon isn’t sure they can trust Jace and Clary defends the latter. Why do we need a scene for this? We already know Clary’s nightmare happened. We already know Simon doesn’t trust Jace and doesn’t think Clary should. We already know Simon is sweet on Clary and jealous of Jace. We already know Magnus took Clary’s memories. Why do we need to waste airtime on this?

Shit, two minutes in and already I’m losing patience with this show.

Clary and Simon go over her nightmare in more detail, and Clary recalls her mother calling the memory stealer “Magnus.” Simon remembers his time in the DuMort and Camille’s mention of Magnus. So now they know who took Clary’s memories. Great, we spent three whole minutes just to have Simon and Clary figure out something the viewer has known all along. A++ suspense, writers!

Clary excitedly rushes off to share their new lead with Jace, and Simon bitches to himself over being friendzoned again. Hey asshole, Clary miiiiiiiight be telling Jace because, you know, he and his Shadowhunter buds have been helping your asses all this time at great risk to themselves, and unlike you actually have the capacity to help Clary find Magnus. But nooooooo, Clary is just telling Jace because she lurves him more than your stupid ass. Fuck this stupid asshole.

So Simon broods around and looks in the mirror and hallucinates Camille. Wait, I thought vampires don’t have reflections? So how come Simon can see Camille in the mirror even if it’s just a hallucination? If you’re gonna have a hallucination at least make it an accurate hallucination, good god. Is there no quality control in this writing room?

“LOL you can’t even do hallucinations right.”

Clary finds Jace training shirtless, and I suppose this is supposed to be fanservice, but all I’m getting out of this is “man, between the black leather and rune tats and that ‘do this is early-aughts emo as shit.” I half-expect to hear Good Charlotte or MCR in the background.

Draco was wearing black leather pants, a gothic black GC t-shirt and black Vans he got from da Warped tower.

“Draco was wearing black leather pants, a gothic black GC t-shirt and black Vans he got from da Warped tower.”

Clary tells Jace her realization about Magnus. According to Jace, Magnus is the High Warlock of Brooklyn. Wait, is that like the warlock version of those “My child is an honor roll student at Random Elementary School, Randomtown” bumper stickers? Magnus is so powerful, his magic can invade even the Silent Brothers, so I guess that’s why Clary only retrieved partial memories from them. Too bad his magic can’t invade this writing/acting/directing/everything. Isabelle interrupts this téte à téte to inform Dumb and Dumber that Dumberer a.k.a. Simon is bouncing. Jace calls Simon a pain in his ass. Way to egg the slashers on.

Clary and Jace go after Simon. Simon calls Jace “Captain America” and then—and I swear I cannot make this shit up—actually yells, “COME AT ME BRO!”

I was looking for a gif but this is the best I could do

I was looking for a gif but this is the best I could do.

Christ, even the memes on this show are dated.

Simon proceeds to lose his shit, evoking Snacky’s Law by comparing Jace to every role William Zabka has played in 80s teen movies.

…. Actually, William does kind of remind me of Jace.

Jace has had it with Simon’s shit and tells Clary he’s not saving Simon’s ass a second time. He shouldn’t have saved it the first time, if you ask me.

Clary warns Simon that by going home he’s putting all of his loved ones at risk. Simon retorts that he can protect them. Considering you practically presented yourself on a silver platter to vampires and require Shadowhunters to keep saving your ass all the time, I’d say you’re doing a bang-up job protecting yourself. Yeah, I’m sure you can protect all your loved ones, asshole. I hope a vampire eats him.

Hodge presents the Shadowhunter gang with a slideshow about Magnus, sharing more vitally important info—Magnus is 300 years old and he’s a hedonist. Clary jokes that he’s the downworld’s David Guetta and Isabelle informs Clary that the latter is already a downworlder. Given what little I’ve heard of David Guetta’s music, I believe this. Hodge informs the gang that Magnus has a deep mistrust of Shadowhunters, so Jocelyn must have paid him handsomely to perform the spell on Clary. Magnus doesn’t do meetings so the group plans on intercepting him at a downworld rave. I should’ve known we wouldn’t go an episode without a party.

Also, why is Isabelle dressed like an extra in a 4minute music video?

Cube is totally run by downworlders

Cube is totally run by downworlders.

Hodge draws a rune on a vault to unlock it. Anyone else thinking that if you were a Shadowhunter, you’d troll everyone by locking your vault with a rune that looks like a dick? Just me? Shut up, I gotta entertain myself during these recaps somehow. Hodge retrieves an amulet to trade with Magnus for Clary’s memories. The amulet was a gift from Magnus to his then-lover Camille. So have the downworlders all dated each other? Do I need to make a chart for this shit? This lot is more incestuous than the original flavor 90210 cast.

We’re back to Chernobyl again! How I missed Chernobyl last week, except for the part where I didn’t. Valentine is skulking about while two ghosts look on. No, I’m not kidding. They’re either ghosts or someone fucked up on Windows Movie Maker again.

S01E04

“Wait what are blend modes again?”

Valentine tells a lackey, “Your lips are moving yet I hear nothing.”

Valentine looks like he smelled something foul and announces that scouts from the Clave are present. He has a prisoner (presumably from the Clave) cough up some green gas, which makes the Clave scouts materialize and collapse. Valentine grabs his dagger and makes to stab someone. Wow, overkill much?

“Dude, get some tic-tacs!”

“Dude, get some tic-tacs!”

Apparently, the gas cougher-upper is a Shadowhunter named Pangborn whose blood was tainted by a female warlock, turning him into “an abomination.” I guess that’s why he coughs up poison gas? This scene is honestly so confusing I had to watch it twice to get the deets straight enough to recap, and I’m still not sure what I’m saying. Valentine commands his lackey to “gather the dead Seelies.” Wait, I thought they were Clave scouts??? Does the Clave hire Seelies? I’m so confused.

We check in on Luke in case y’all were dying to find out what he’s up to. His partner puts pressure on him not to jeopardize his job with bad behavior and to get the Mortal Cup. Luke responds that he needs to get Clary alone in order to do so, end scene.

The show moves on to more important matters, like Isabelle and Clary choosing outfits for the rave. Isabelle loans Clary a dress, this one with a superpowered built-in Wonderbra. Jace comes in and stares at Clary’s boobs for a while, remarking that at least now she “looks the part of a Shadowhunter.” Wait, how so? By wearing tiny dresses and spike heels? I thought that was just Isabelle’s thing, but I guess it’s a Shadowhunter-wide tradition. Jace gives Clary a big ole magical dagger and no, that is not innuendo. I’m wondering where the hell she’s supposed to store that thing given her outfit.

“She had a really nice body wif big bobs and everything. She was thin enouff 2 be anorexic.”

“She had a really nice body wif big bobs and everything. She was thin enouff 2 be anorexic.”

At the warlock lair, Magnus is speaking to an underling who resembles a knockoff of Lorne on Angel, except the makeup department apparently couldn’t afford green face paint. Knockoff Lorne warns Magnus not to meet with the Shadowhunters (I thought Magnus didn’t do meetings? If Knockoff Lorne knows Magnus is meeting the Shadowhunters at the rave, why bother with this whole “in Soviet Russia you don’t find Magnus, Magnus finds you” thing—oh wait, it’s so we have a party scene. Never mind.) Harry Shum Jr. better be glad he’s hot, because that acting, bro.

There’s a pointless scene in which Alec and Isabelle rehash the same shit re: Alec’s suspicions about Clary, and for some reason the show seems to want us to trend #AlecAndIzzy. Um, what? They’re siblings! What is it with this series and incest???

Over at Chez Simon, a wild Maureen appears to visit him. Simon’s Mom barges into his room and lights into Simon for staying out all night with Clary. Normally, I’d feel a twinge of sympathy since being chewed out by a parent in front of a friend is the epitome of teenage embarrassment, but Simon sucks, so I don’t care. Maureen is jealous of Simon staying out with Clary, until Simon assures her he and Clary aren’t dating. Maureen broaches the subject of Simon dating her, and gets all flustered and knocks over a picture frame. The glass breaks, Maureen accidentally cuts her finger on it, and Simon suddenly loses his shit over the blood. Maureen is understandably creeped out and leaves, and Simon licks a drop of her blood from the broken glass.

Meanwhile, Simon longs for he and Clary’s old life as models for stock images.

Meanwhile, Simon longs for his and Clary’s old life as models for stock photos.

And we’re back at the Hardtail! Apparently it’s like the Peach Pit for downworlders, and Jace and Clary happened to show up on vampire night. Isabelle is wearing the amulet, which Alec makes her give back to Jace. I’m not sure what the point of this is except for some banter and double entendre about jewels, but wasting airtime seems to be this show’s specialty. The gang meets Magnus, who informs them that he can’t retrieve Clary’s memories because he fed them to a demon for safekeeping. Should Magnus be captured, he didn’t want Valentine to torture the memories from him like he did with Dot. Suddenly everyone remembers Dot exists (myself included). Magnus informs Clary that Dot’s dead because he “can’t feel her magic anymore.” I demand proof. We know from the first two episodes that Dot never stays dead. She’ll be back when we need another plot device.

Magnus tries to convince Clary to come to his lair, saying she’ll be safer there than with the Shadowhunters. Clary refuses. Alec intercepts and stops a hit man and Magnus, upon noticing Alec, is all “How ya doin’?” A rune on the assassin’s neck reveals he’s one of Valentine’s men, because it’s not like it’s flipping obvious or something. The show has only told us multiple times, though multiple characters, that Valentine is after the warlocks. Unless the warlocks have some other enemy we don’t know about. Did Magnus try to leave a K-pop boy band or something?

“I guess SME got tired of all the lawsuits and are now just sending hit men.”

“I guess SME got tired of all the lawsuits and are now just sending hit men.”

Magnus does what we all want to do and creates a portal, then peaces out. Clary tries to grab his arm to hold him back, and ends up with a button from his sleeve.

Outside the club, Alec and Jace argue over Clary and then the girls show up and join in, because we really needed a rehash of this discussion yet again. Jace notices the button that Clary’s holding and tries to track Magnus with it, but he’s not powerful enough on his own. So he and Alec do some Vulcan mind-meld shit and track Magnus together. This is some homoerotic shit, so much so even Clary comments on it. I gotta give the writers credit—they know how to reach their audience. If you want a freakishly devoted fanbase, aim for the rabid slashers!

“With this thee CGI, I thee wed”

“With this thee CGI, I thee wed”

Also, didn’t Jace mention that Isabelle and Alec are like siblings to him? Once again—what is it with this show and incest??? Is this script written by ohnotheydidnt posters?

The gang tracks Magnus to a warehouse where the warlocks’ lair is located. The warehouse is actually glamour, like the old church is for the Institute, I guess. The Shadowhunters suspect something’s up because this is all too easy, and it’s not like this line isn’t up there with “I’ll be right back!” as conclusive proof that our heroes are screwed. Sure enough, they are ambushed by an assassin working for Valentine, who offs an older warlock in front of them. The warlock’s daughter rushes up to the body and the assassin makes to kill her too, but she’s saved by Clary. Jace and Isabelle kill the assassin.

Another of Valentine’s men is with Magnus, informing the latter that he was sold out by Budget Lorne before the assassin killed him. Magnus fights the assassin with magic, and Alec shows up just in time to help Magnus finish the job. Magnus and Alec introduce themselves and flirt for a bit. Fangirls swoon.

“We’re the least annoying males on this show, so I guess we gotta hook up now.”

“We’re the least annoying males on this show, so I guess we gotta hook up now.”

The remaining warlocks gather in the lair along with the Shadowhunter gang. Clary brings the girl to Magnus, who tells Clary how amazing and “not like the others” she is because she saved a little girl, and I don’t know how any of this lot could deliver this dialogue with a straight face. Apparently in this ‘verse being a decent non-human being toward other decent non-human beings is some kind of great accomplishment. Magnus tells Clary he can summon the memory demon, but she “must make the demand.”

Simon calls Clary and leaves a rambling message on her voice mail about how he hasn’t been feeling well since they rescued him from the vamps, but chalks it up to “the flu.” Yeah, you spent the evening drinking “bloody Marys” and getting bitten by a psychotic vampire chick but it’s just “the flu.” This motherfucker is officially too stupid to live, yet he lives. Hopefully not for long! Get it? Vampires are undead… I did a thing… never mind, this recap is clearly making me loopy.

Magnus uses his deux ex magick-a to relocate the lair. He returns the amulet to Isabelle as payment for helping him and the other warlocks, and discreetly asks her if Alec is into peach or banana. As a 300-year-old bisexual, you’d think Magnus would have the gaydar down by now. Clary wants to summon the memory demon so Magnus commands “Pretty Boy” to get the team ready. Jace assumes Magnus means him, but Magnus shuts him down quickly and says he meant Alec. I admit that was kind of glorious.

Magnus gives Clary some chalk and informs her that she has to draw a huge rune to summon the demon. Jace also has to draw a rune on Clary that he says “might sting” but makes her scream in agony. Now you know how I feel watching and recapping this shit, Clary.

Don’t worry, hon, it’s almost over.

Don’t worry, hon, it’s almost over.

We cut to the finished rune that Clary drew, and it’s so obviously not hand drawn that I just crack the fuck up. Magnus praises her work since Clary is clearly a machine, and alludes to having had an affair with Michaelangelo. We get it, Magnus. You’re immortal and hot and have game. The gang summons the demon, who looks like the Lost smoke monster but with glowing red eyes. The smoke demon demands each of them sacrifice a memory of the person they love most. When it’s Alec’s turn, Jace’s face appears in the smoke, and Alec flips the fuck out and breaks the bond despite Magnus’s repeated warnings not to.

All hell breaks loose and the demon grabs Jace. Alec and Isabelle try to pull him back, but they’re not strong enough. Jace is about to get sucked into a swirling tornado of CGI when Isabelle yells at Clary to save him. Clary kills the demon knowing that once the demon dies, her memories will die with it.

“Nooooo don’t let me get sucked into Storybrooke!”

“Nooooo don’t let me get sucked into Storybrooke!”

Clary and Jace have a heart-to-heart back at the Institute, with more lip service about how amazing and special Clary is for killing a greater demon without training or, in Clary’s words, knowing what she was even doing. Jace leaves and Clary calls Simon, but gets his voice mail. So where’s Simon? Why should we care? Well, the show seems to think we do, and he’s on his way to the DuMort to meet Camille. She looks almost as happy as I am that this episode and recap have come to an end—for now, anyway.

S01E04-3

“Bitch, don’t get too smug… you’ll be recapping another episode next week!”

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One thought on “TV Recap: Shadowhunters S01E04: “Raising Hell” or “Gerard was da sexiest guy eva!”

  1. Pingback: TV Recap: Shadowhunters s01e10 “This World Inverted” or “It’s Almost Impressive How Boring This Show Makes an Alternate Universe” | The Unicorner

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