TV Recap: Shadowhunters s01e06: “Of Men and Angels” or “Magnus Explains It All”

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So this week, Shadowhunters takes a big dump all over us—an info dump, that is. Magnus and Luke answer all our burning questions, but sadly still don’t tell me when this show is going to get cancelled already.

Wait, who am I kidding? You know my ass is gonna end up recapping this shit until 2050.

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Reign of the Fuckboys: Neither Can Live While the Other Survives

If only Queen C were writing this script.

If only Queen C were writing this script.

One of my favorite things about Reign has always been its female characters (well, that and Henry sexing someone out a window). Y’all know that Catherine de Medici is love, but I’ve also grown to like Mary’s handmaidens as well. Shit, I even like Claude. In fact, the only female character I just can’t seem to warm up to is Mary herself, but I’ll get to that. As Reign moves toward the conclusion of its second season, the emphasis seems to be shifting off of its leading ladies and onto its resident quintet of fuckboys. “Tempting Fate” might as well have been named “Fuckboypalooza” although that sounds less dramatic.

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Queen C’s Magnificence Reigns Supreme

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Ahh, Reign. You continue to bring life every week. Guys, I’m so glad I stuck with this show. Yeah, it’s a historically inaccurate hot ass mess most of the time, but it’s a highly entertaining one. It is impossible to hate a show that brought such glory as blood sacrifices, psychotic con artist princes, more parties than Sweet Valley High has dances, faux fur during the Tudor era, and sexing someone out a window (I doubt anything is ever going to top that scene, for real). And since the show was renewed and got an actual budget, it can only get better (and by better, I mean balls-to-the-wall insane). This was a solid episode–so solid, in fact, I felt like i was watching a different show. Now don’t get me wrong–I love weird vampire-beasts in the woods, pagans, bed-hopping, teen angst, and love triangle melodrama as much as the next gal (OK, I hate love triangle melodrama, but 4 out of 5 ain’t bad), but it was extremely nice to see an episode about what the show was ostensibly supposed to be about–political intrigue and Mary coming of age as a ruler and not just as a teenage girl.

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Welcome to Point Pleasant, Bitch! or Point Pleasant 1×01, “Pilot”

So, Point Pleasant. Some of you might remember this short-lived series. Its brief run began (and ended) in 2005, although the show looks and feels more like it was filmed in 1997. The premise was based around a mysterious young girl who (literally) washes up on the shore of the titular New Jersey town. She is the daughter of Satan and a mortal woman, in perpetual conflict between her human side and her evil side. PP received attention in the Buffy the Vampire Slayer fandom because it was co-produced by Buffy alum Marti Noxon, but it soon became apparent that PP had more in common with a low-budget version of The OC sprinkled with elements of a Dan Brown novel. And therein lies the awesome. This is crack of the finest quality, guys.

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“My bag is whore” or Make It or Break It 1×09: “Where’s Kaylie?”

Previously, on Make It or Break It: Payson’s back injury flares up again, but lucky for her, a handsome Rock gymnast comes along and deals her some bootlegged cortisone.  Chloe calls an old boyfriend for help regarding her financial troubles.  Damon peaces out to L.A., taking one of the few bright spots of this show with him.  Lauren makes one final bid to break up Kaylie and Carter by arranging for Pa Cruz to “accidentally” find out about them at the Cruzes’ Nationals sendoff party.  Lauren’s plan goes off without a hitch, but instead of riding off into the sunset with Carter, he declares that she disgusts him and storms off.  Kaylie figures out that Lauren betrayed her and Carter.  With no one else to turn to, Lauren turns to Summer.

Before we begin, an announcement:  next week’s episode, the season finale, will be my last MIOBI recap.  I know… but hey, all good (or so bad they’re good) things must come to an end. I’m running out of ways to make fun of this show, and it’s been eating my blog.  I want to get back to the Unicorner’s roots, snarking nostalgic YA lit.  I haven’t even gotten to the series that spawned this blog’s title yet!  So next week, we bid adieu to playground prodigies, four inches of wood, and whore mothers, but never fear–I’m sure the writers will give them a good sendoff.  As for me, I hope you guys had fun reading these!  And hey, it might not be the end–I may be back to recap the occasional epic episode. 😉

In the meantime, however, we’re left with an episode that’s, well… a whole lot of nothing.  Neither painfully awful nor awesomely epic, “Where’s Kaylie?” just sort of plods along to its expected cheesetastic conclusion.  I’m calling off the drinking game because we’d all get wasted before we’re even ten minutes in.  This is classic MIOBI–contrived situations, ridiculous plot twists, stilted dialogue, moments of such WTFery you truly wonder how anyone could write, let alone act, them with a straight face.  We’ve seen everything on this episode before, which means I’ve mocked it before, which means it’s going to be hard for me to come up with new ways to make fun of it.

But I’ll try.

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Make It or Break It 1×08 “All’s Fair in Love, War, and Gymnastics”: A Screencap Recap

Sorry for the delay, guys. Lots of stuff going on offline in the past week, plus I was distracted by actual Nationals. Woo hoo! OK so anyway, I bring you “All’s Fair in Love, War, and Gymnastics:” A Screencap Recap!

Previously, on Make it or Break It: Sasha kicks Emily out of the gym after her stunt at the Invitational.  Fans of good technique and good acting cheer, but sadly, it doesn’t last.  Much creepy Daddy issue sexual tension later, Emily’s back on the team.  Meanwhile, Lauren ups the creepy quotient in her Carter stalking and I’m starting to wonder which one is more pyscho here.  Oh, and we get more Emily/Damon flirting to the extent that even non-shippers wish they’d just shut up and bang already.  Maybe Emily will grow some boobs then.

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Make It or Break It 1×06: “Between a Rock and a Hard Place,” as performed by the cast of Star Trek:Enterprise

Guys, this is the most epic episode yet.  Seriously, if you only watch one ep of this show, make it this one.  So in commemoration of this epic episode, I think it deserves an epic recap.  Props to ihatewheat of the Dairi Burger for inspiring this one with her True Blood/SVH recaps. 

Don’t worry if you’re unfamiliar with Enterprise; unless you’ve been living under a rock for your entire life, I’m sure you have a vague idea of how Star Trek series work.

Previously, on Make It or Break It: Drama surrounds the big mother-daughter fashion show at the Rock.  Creepy Carter continues to string Kaylie along while Lauren propositions him to be fuck buddies.  Kaylie thinks about giving it up to Creepy Carter; awkward dialogue ensues.  Damon ups his game on Emily; it seems to be working.  Summer tearfully confesses to Lauren that she used to be the school bicycle before she found God.  Sasha and Payson’s Mom establish a rapport; Payson learns to embrace her femininity.  Oh yeah, and there’s a fashion show.

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