TV Recap: Shadowhunters S01E13 “Morning Star” or “Now with EXTRA EMO”

Well, here we are, guys. We’re coming down the final stretch. It’s the season finale, and as a treat to fans, Shadowhunters has brought its EXTRA EMO A-game!

Let’s bust out our cocktails for tonight’s drinking game. Because we’re all goffiks here, we’ll have some red wine–the color of blood! 🍷

Only the finest for my fabulous readers.

Only the finest for my fabulous readers.

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TV Recap: Shadowhunters S01E12 “Malec” or “One Wedding and a Funeral… For My Attention Span”

We’re coming down the final stretch, guys. One more episode and season one is over. I shall soon taste freedom.


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TV Recap: Shadowhunters S01E11 “Blood Calls to Blood” or “How to Get Away With Trying to Murder a Seelie”

Excuse this recap for being a bit late, I was busy watching youtube videos of guinea pigs leaping in slow motion.

In other fantastic news, Stitchers a.k.a.the superior Freeform crappy show, is back! And it’s on Tuesday night, meaning my bad acting and worse accents quota is now complete.

This Shadowhunters episode contains many of the same beloved Shadowhunters-isms we’ve seen numerous times in the past, so I’ve decided it’s time for a drinking game. If you’d like to play along, I highly recommend a nonalcoholic beverage unless you’ve got a hollow leg, as the Unicorner does not wish to be responsible for any alcohol poisoning.

Tonight’s episode hinges around a bit of a mystery, meaning you’d have to be completely brain dead not to see the twist coming from 39.5 miles away, which means you’re probably as stupid as the writers think you are, and definitely as stupid as Jace.

But I get ahead of myself. Let’s start at the beginning.

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MIOBI 3×06: “Listen to the Universe.” Or something.

So last week was a dramafest of such catty awesomeness, it could almost be a Bravo reality show. In contrast, this week’s ep was a bunch of heartwarming crap. It also displayed several classic MIOBI elements which had thus far been absent from this season and weren’t missed. But alas and alack, I suppose there is something comforting about time-honored absurdity.

So let’s jump right in, shall we?

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“That was way harsh, Sasha” or Make It or Break It 1×07, “Run Emily Run”

OK so you know how I said nothing would top the epicness of last week’s ep? Well… I’m still right thus far. But this episode was pretty damned awesome. Let’s get started, shall we?

Previously on Make It or Break It: The Rock meets Denver in an epic clash of the sparkly Titans: the Rock Invitational.  When a recurring back injury flares up, Payson gets a cortisone shot and prevails over bitchalicious national champ Kelly Parker.  Meanwhile, Lauren throws the meet to spite her father, who has proposed to Summer out of guilt.  Emily tries to play hero again and fails utterly, but does supply us with one of the most hilarious faceplants in TV history.  Kim Kelly, look out.  Bitch is after your title.  Sasha boots Emily’s ass out of Nationals for going against his instructions.  Oh yeah, and Courtney Kupets guest-stars as Payson and Kelly’s stunt double.  Also, she shows more acting chops than most of the cast during her brief cameo.

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“Let’s really awkwardly talk about sex, baby” or Make It or Break It 1×04, “Like Mother, Like Daughter, Like Supermodel”

Previously, on Make It or Break It: Creepy Carter makes up with Kaylie after totally boning Lauren, but Lauren, interested in preserving her friendship with sweet Kaylie, doesn’t want her to find out.  The girls experience a bonding moment whilst cleaning mats at the Rock. Sasha propositions Payson’s Mom… to be the new gym manager, you perverts.  Meanwhile, Chloe Kmetko subs for Emily at the Pizza Shack and tells Damon that Emily’s Never Been Kissed.  I am mad that this show keeps reminding me of things I’d rather be watching. \~/

So what’s in store for us this week?  Fun, fashion, and awkward sex talk aplenty!

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“Kissing Boys Makes You Grow Boobies!” or Make It or Break It 1×04, “Sunday, Bloody Sasha Sunday”

Oh, Make It or Break It.  After the ever-so-brief glimpse of good last week, it’s reassuring to see you back to your cheesy, cringeworthy, completely removed from reality self.  If you kept being good, I think my entire equilibrium would be thrown out of whack.  It’s like if Old Faithful stopped erupting or something.

Previously, on Make It or Break It: Sasha Belov comes to the gym and everyone’s going to eat, sleep, breathe gymnastics till Nationals.  You girls will have no life, so none of those boys and sexin’, you hear? Kaylie and Payson have declared war on Evil Lauren, while Emily works her Sue-Fu on yet another unsuspecting victim, a dude named Damon.  Kaylie gets wasted off cheap beer at a party, where Creepy Carter finds her and throws a fit.  Meanwhile, Lauren accuses Summer, her Dad’s Jesus-loving secretary/girlfriend, of being a gold digger.  Since Lauren clearly craves the attention of dodgy men, she gives it up to Creepy Carter and then steals his phone.

That’s right, kids… tonight we’re seeing a Very Special Episode of Make It or Break It.  We’re kickin’ it ’80s style tonight, in what feels like a cross between the original Degrassi Junior High and the Breakfast Club. \~/ \~/

Oh yes, we’ve got a drinking game now.  Check out the rules here.

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