To Boldly Recap: TNG 1×04 “Code of Honor”

Pour out a cold one! You assholes are gonna need it.

Pour out a cold one! You assholes are gonna need it.

This episode is a mess. It’s not as balls-out stupid like “The Naked Now”—it actually has a coherent plot with twist ending—but it’s a damn mess. You will see why.

Before we begin, let’s go over the TNG rules we established in the last recap:

  1. For every heartfelt and affecting moment in Data’s quest to be human, there’s way too many painfully awkward/unfunny ones.
  2. The competence of the Enterprise crew varies greatly depending on plot requirements.
  3. For a scifi show, some of this tech is dated as fuck.
  4. Wesley is the Gary-est Stu to ever Stu.
  5. Pop culture ended in 1987.
  6. Though TNG is a feminist show in many ways, it has some hella sexist moments.

Finally, if you’ve decided to watch TNG and follow along with my recaps, a) congrats on this excellent life decision b) beware potential spoilers, as I may occasionally comment on developments later in the series.

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TV Recap: Shadowhunters S01E12 “Malec” or “One Wedding and a Funeral… For My Attention Span”

We’re coming down the final stretch, guys. One more episode and season one is over. I shall soon taste freedom.

birthday

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TV Recap: Shadowhunters S01E11 “Blood Calls to Blood” or “How to Get Away With Trying to Murder a Seelie”

Excuse this recap for being a bit late, I was busy watching youtube videos of guinea pigs leaping in slow motion.

In other fantastic news, Stitchers a.k.a.the superior Freeform crappy show, is back! And it’s on Tuesday night, meaning my bad acting and worse accents quota is now complete.

This Shadowhunters episode contains many of the same beloved Shadowhunters-isms we’ve seen numerous times in the past, so I’ve decided it’s time for a drinking game. If you’d like to play along, I highly recommend a nonalcoholic beverage unless you’ve got a hollow leg, as the Unicorner does not wish to be responsible for any alcohol poisoning.

Tonight’s episode hinges around a bit of a mystery, meaning you’d have to be completely brain dead not to see the twist coming from 39.5 miles away, which means you’re probably as stupid as the writers think you are, and definitely as stupid as Jace.

But I get ahead of myself. Let’s start at the beginning.

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TV Recap: Shadowhunters s01e10 “This World Inverted” or “It’s Almost Impressive How Boring This Show Makes an Alternate Universe”

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Alternate universes are my jam. Seriously, if you me want to fangirl the crap out of something, throw in an alternate universe. Fringe’s altverse, 12 Monkeys and Misfits and Lost with the timey-wimey, Revolution with Aaron’s nanotech-induced altverse dream; Star Trek: the Next Generation’s many alt-verse scenarios, Star Trek: Enterprise’s mirror-verse, Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s “Wish”-verse—if it’s an alternative universe, it’s catnip.

Until this show.

I was actually really excited when I learned that this episode featured an alternate universe. Sure, this show makes me hate my very existence and everyone else’s, too, but alternate universes make everything better, right? That and cats. Well, I can honestly the say the most impressive thing about this episode is how boring they made an alternate universe. You know shit’s dire when a show’s being compared unfavorably to Star Trek: Enterprise.

In other awesome news, Shadowhunters has been renewed for a second season!

I know how much you missed this gif.

I know how much you missed this gif.

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TV Recap: Shadowhunters s01e09 “Rise Up” or “Eh, Fuck It.”

When last we left our heroes, Simon supersped off from the cemetery after rising from his grave as a newborn vampire. Raphael, his apparent vampire-mentor now, supersped after him, while Clary stayed behind crying and Jace comforted her.

Now, we open with Simon running awkwardly down an alley before he’s intercepted by Raphael next to a decrepit food truck. He sees his reflection in the truck’s shattered window, and asks Raphael if he’s not actually a vampire. Raphael’s like nah, bro, you still dead as hell, but it’s OK, I’ll take you back to the DuMort and fix you a nice hot blood sundae. Simon throws Raphael against the food truck and runs off.

"I'm so emo, my pathos broke the fucking window."

“I’m so emo, my pathos broke the fucking window.”

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TV Recap: Shadowhunters s01e08 “Bad Blood” or “OM no G”

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I was going to photoshop a poster like one of Taylor Swift’s infamous “Bad Blood” MV posters but then I realized all the characters on this show are basically “Bad Blood” MV characters, and this recap is late enough already.

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TV Recap: Shadowhunters s01e06: “Of Men and Angels” or “Magnus Explains It All”

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So this week, Shadowhunters takes a big dump all over us—an info dump, that is. Magnus and Luke answer all our burning questions, but sadly still don’t tell me when this show is going to get cancelled already.

Wait, who am I kidding? You know my ass is gonna end up recapping this shit until 2050.

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