Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Unicorner. Her continuing mission to recap every episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation. To seek out new lulz and new fun times. To boldly go where many have recapped before but nobody as cool as she.
For a while, I’d been wanting to recap a classic show from my childhood. It’s fun seeing how well (or not well) the show holds up over the years and the different impressions watching as an adult. Jenny Trout’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer recaps largely inspired these, so credit where it’s due.
If you are familiar with my K-pop recaps over on my K-pop blog, Ahjummas Anonymous, then you already know what my recapping style is like. For those new to the party, I cuss a lot and have difficulty taking shit seriously, so if any of those things bother you, you might want to peace out right now. I write the way that comes naturally to me, not because I’m trying too hard to be ~edgy or whatever, so I have no intentions of changing my writing style. So strap the fuck in and get comfortable, because shit’s about to go off.
Excuse this recap for being a bit late, I was busy watching youtube videos of guinea pigs leaping in slow motion.
In other fantastic news, Stitchers a.k.a.the superior Freeform crappy show, is back! And it’s on Tuesday night, meaning my bad acting and worse accents quota is now complete.
This Shadowhunters episode contains many of the same beloved Shadowhunters-isms we’ve seen numerous times in the past, so I’ve decided it’s time for a drinking game. If you’d like to play along, I highly recommend a nonalcoholic beverage unless you’ve got a hollow leg, as the Unicorner does not wish to be responsible for any alcohol poisoning.
Tonight’s episode hinges around a bit of a mystery, meaning you’d have to be completely brain dead not to see the twist coming from 39.5 miles away, which means you’re probably as stupid as the writers think you are, and definitely as stupid as Jace.
But I get ahead of myself. Let’s start at the beginning.
Alternate universes are my jam. Seriously, if you me want to fangirl the crap out of something, throw in an alternate universe. Fringe’s altverse, 12 Monkeys and Misfits and Lost with the timey-wimey, Revolution with Aaron’s nanotech-induced altverse dream; Star Trek: the Next Generation’s many alt-verse scenarios, Star Trek: Enterprise’s mirror-verse, Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s “Wish”-verse—if it’s an alternative universe, it’s catnip.
Until this show.
I was actually really excited when I learned that this episode featured an alternate universe. Sure, this show makes me hate my very existence and everyone else’s, too, but alternate universes make everything better, right? That and cats. Well, I can honestly the say the most impressive thing about this episode is how boring they made an alternate universe. You know shit’s dire when a show’s being compared unfavorably to Star Trek: Enterprise.
In other awesome news, Shadowhunters has been renewed for a second season!
When last we left our heroes, Simon supersped off from the cemetery after rising from his grave as a newborn vampire. Raphael, his apparent vampire-mentor now, supersped after him, while Clary stayed behind crying and Jace comforted her.
Now, we open with Simon running awkwardly down an alley before he’s intercepted by Raphael next to a decrepit food truck. He sees his reflection in the truck’s shattered window, and asks Raphael if he’s not actually a vampire. Raphael’s like nah, bro, you still dead as hell, but it’s OK, I’ll take you back to the DuMort and fix you a nice hot blood sundae. Simon throws Raphael against the food truck and runs off.
I was going to photoshop a poster like one of Taylor Swift’s infamous “Bad Blood” MV posters but then I realized all the characters on this show are basically “Bad Blood” MV characters, and this recap is late enough already.