Well, here we are, guys. We’re coming down the final stretch. It’s the season finale, and as a treat to fans, Shadowhunters has brought its EXTRA EMO A-game!
Let’s bust out our cocktails for tonight’s drinking game. Because we’re all goffiks here, we’ll have some red wine–the color of blood! 🍷
Only the finest for my fabulous readers.
We’re coming down the final stretch, guys. One more episode and season one is over. I shall soon taste freedom.
Excuse this recap for being a bit late, I was busy watching youtube videos of guinea pigs leaping in slow motion.
In other fantastic news, Stitchers a.k.a.the superior Freeform crappy show, is back! And it’s on Tuesday night, meaning my bad acting and worse accents quota is now complete.
This Shadowhunters episode contains many of the same beloved Shadowhunters-isms we’ve seen numerous times in the past, so I’ve decided it’s time for a drinking game. If you’d like to play along, I highly recommend a nonalcoholic beverage unless you’ve got a hollow leg, as the Unicorner does not wish to be responsible for any alcohol poisoning.
Tonight’s episode hinges around a bit of a mystery, meaning you’d have to be completely brain dead not to see the twist coming from 39.5 miles away, which means you’re probably as stupid as the writers think you are, and definitely as stupid as Jace.
But I get ahead of myself. Let’s start at the beginning.
Alternate universes are my jam. Seriously, if you me want to fangirl the crap out of something, throw in an alternate universe. Fringe’s altverse, 12 Monkeys and Misfits and Lost with the timey-wimey, Revolution with Aaron’s nanotech-induced altverse dream; Star Trek: the Next Generation’s many alt-verse scenarios, Star Trek: Enterprise’s mirror-verse, Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s “Wish”-verse—if it’s an alternative universe, it’s catnip.
Until this show.
I was actually really excited when I learned that this episode featured an alternate universe. Sure, this show makes me hate my very existence and everyone else’s, too, but alternate universes make everything better, right? That and cats. Well, I can honestly the say the most impressive thing about this episode is how boring they made an alternate universe. You know shit’s dire when a show’s being compared unfavorably to Star Trek: Enterprise.
In other awesome news, Shadowhunters has been renewed for a second season!
I know how much you missed this gif.
When last we left our heroes, Simon supersped off from the cemetery after rising from his grave as a newborn vampire. Raphael, his apparent vampire-mentor now, supersped after him, while Clary stayed behind crying and Jace comforted her.
Now, we open with Simon running awkwardly down an alley before he’s intercepted by Raphael next to a decrepit food truck. He sees his reflection in the truck’s shattered window, and asks Raphael if he’s not actually a vampire. Raphael’s like nah, bro, you still dead as hell, but it’s OK, I’ll take you back to the DuMort and fix you a nice hot blood sundae. Simon throws Raphael against the food truck and runs off.
“I’m so emo, my pathos broke the fucking window.”
I was going to photoshop a poster like one of Taylor Swift’s infamous “Bad Blood” MV posters but then I realized all the characters on this show are basically “Bad Blood” MV characters, and this recap is late enough already.
Seven weeks ago, I got an urge to recap another crappy TV show. It was with excitement and anticipation that I attacked my first Shadowhunters recap, but alas, what was once entertaining and amusing has now become tedious. Or maybe that’s just the show’s plot. But I am a woman of my word, so I bring you the latest Shadowhunters clusterfuck.
So this week, Shadowhunters takes a big dump all over us—an info dump, that is. Magnus and Luke answer all our burning questions, but sadly still don’t tell me when this show is going to get cancelled already.
Wait, who am I kidding? You know my ass is gonna end up recapping this shit until 2050.
Greetings, fellow masochists, for it’s time to gather ‘round for another Shadowhunters recap!
A new gif to shake things up a little!
The Unicorner 